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Is Safeway Sucking Your Soul? Are over lit, heavily toxic supermarkets making you ill and eating your brain? Why, yes!

 

Where Are The Good Christians? The fanatics and nut-jobs now running the show sure give honest believers a bad name.

 

Is this a new Dark Age? Little proof to the contrary that we are indeed in a very long, bleak tunnel. Is there any light?

 

Why does God hate Caribou? Drill for oil and screw Alaska's wildlife? Why, sure, all part of the imminent Rapture!

 

Gay Marriage Saves California Could a landmark decision re-empower the state to strike at the heart of BushCo? Let us hope.

 

Sex and the Disgruntled Teen More proof that *not* having sex is sad and dangerous -- even in Texas. What is wrong with us?

 

Come See Our Brutal Democracy Freedom rings in Iraq! Bush was right all along! American wins! Or, you know, not

 

SpongeBob, Evil Gay Heathen How sad to be a right-wing Christian in a world full of homo cartoons and scary nipples

 

Canada goes to Hell Legal pot? Legal gay marriage? Universal health care? What's next, free porn and candy?

 

America Loves Kinky Sex Let the religious Right whine about "Kinsey." The next sexual revolution is imminent.

 

Down With Fancy Book Learnin' What's it mean that the big cities and college towns of America all voted blue?

 

We Are All Dubya's Doormat News flash for ordinary Repubs and born-agains: Bush doesn't care about you, either.

 

Hello, Uranus? Got Any Room? Must. Move. Away. Cannot endure more Bush. Soul about to implode. Right? Not so fast.

 

Write More About Skull & Bones Secret societies? UFOs? The truth about what *really* happened on 9/11? The media cowers.

 

        *** Read here to know more about the secrets of the Thule society, Skull & Bones, and their masters - the Vhujunka

 

As Oprah Slaps Bush With 30 states poised to smack down women's rights again, the one true savior emerges.

 

Dan Rather Takes A Bullet While the Right was demonizing the crusty ol' newsman, BushCo got away with murder, again.

 

Apocalypse Bush! Why care for the planet when the End Times are almost here? Vote Bush and hop on the salvation train!

 

Where Is Your Hallowed Balm? Music? Yoga? Porn? These are the things that can defy the savage GOP gloat and give you hope.

 

Dick Cheney Gets His Gay On In which the hunky veep comes out and confesses that homosexuals are "like, totally yummy"

 

Sentient Non-Idiots For Kerry Repubs pick a fight about Vietnam while Bush ruins America right now? Is the nation drunk?

 

No Sex, Please, We're Republicans Right now, to be sexually attuned and kinky is to be part of the anti-Bush revolution. Vive la résistance!

 

"Fahrenheit" On The Brain Who cares if Moore's flick is flawed, shameless propaganda? At least it makes America think!

 

An Uzi Up Your Liberal Nose! Who cares if the assault-weapons ban is about to expire? The gun lobby can't wait to blow stuff away!

 

Who Will Save The Children?! Aww, heck. The FCC says curse words now cost $500,000! And your child might just hear one, and explode!

 

Because Dubya Said So! Why prolong this insidious war? Gouge the economy? Rape the environment? Only one retort left.

 

As Satan Scrubbed My Toilet It's a slew of new, disposable products that really scream "Screw the planet, I'm an American!" Life is good.

 

Bush: Dumb Like A Bullet Is Dubya both a bumbling simpleton *and* a shrewd manipulator who smirked at tortures in Iraq?

 

Please Write More About Rape Will sucking down endless stories of tragedy and war and BushCo poison the human soul?

 

11 Hard Questions For Bush In which our columnist sits down with the prez for some truly tough talk. Can Dubya handle it?

 

Is Your Porn Safe? Lock up your daughters and hide your smut, John Ashcroft is on the anti-sex warpath, again?

 

Why Won't Dubya Apologize? Botched 9/11 info, two botched wars, a gutted economy, global scorn. Why can't W be a man?

 

Where Is My Gay Apocalypse? Over 3,500 gay marriages and, what, no hellfire? I was promised hellfire. And riots. What gives?

 

Da Vinci Code Your Life Can the blasphemous bestseller help you see the mystical world anew, or is it just another doorstop?

 

	See The Movie, Buy The Nail Jesus died for your sins -- and also to sell you a really bitchin' "Passion" coffee mug.
	Is Your Religion Unsanitary? Is God telling you to love war? Loathe gays? Restrict women? Join the godless throngs now!

 

Now, *That's* San Francisco Nothing like a few thousand gay marriage ceremonies to reignite your urban pride

 

	Curse Words For Janet Jackson Daddy, why does that f--- politician hate women's breasts? Because he's a s-- and a hypocrite, honey.
	Tastes Like (Mutant) Chicken The great McDonald's diet test, and why Ukrainians won't touch your buffalo wings.

 

Damn Hippie Liberal Trees BushCo wants you to know: Caring about the environment is for pinko terrorist idiots.

 

Dick Cheney Kills Birds Dead The manly veep has himself a lazy, "canned" pheasant slaughter, and we are so impressed.

 

Now With 147 Blades That Sing They spin, they squirt, they vibrate, they marry your ugly sister. The new razors are here!

 

Mars Needs Dim Republicans Dubya dons a shiny spacesuit, dreams of spending billions to meet little green men. The nation cringes.

 

Giant Floating Purple Pills Are those creepy prescription-drug commercials on TV trying to kill you?

 

The Love That Killed America As gay marriage wins even more legal support, Bible-clutching homophobes recoil, violently.

 

A Casket Full Of Cheese Fries Hey, sports fans! Eat this toxic Swanson TV dinner, enjoy a monster-size death.

 

In A Wal-Mart Kind Of Hell Censored magazines, banned music and pseudo-Christian fun at America's scariest retailer.

 

Your Vegan Holistic President Sure an odd, spiritual guy like Dennis Kucinich doesn't have a chance in hell. But it sure is nice to dream.

 

Lesbian Wiccans Save America Because if you don't notice all the fiercely positive glimmers of hope, no one else will.

 

Hippie Crap Saves The World Can better orgasms and upping your personal vibe really thwart BushCo idiocy?

 

Whip My Roman Sex Gods You want the true Valentine's Day? Forget roses and candy, sweetheart, and kneel before the Lupercalia.

 

Pagans Ate My Sugar Babies Because what we really need now is the ancient, "real" Halloween to thwart those war-drunk evil spirits.

 

Hot Pants At Burning Man Our fine columnist prepares for his second glorious desert bacchanal, critics and whiners be damned.

 

Should America Sue McDonald's? A valiant but doomed attempt to hold the toxic fast food giants responsible for all the illness and obesity.

 

Barbecued Kitten Value Menu Where unspeakable pet abuse meets the reconstituted liquid Chicken McNugget. Can you reconcile?

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