JOHN ST. JOHN
THE RECORD OF THE MAGICAL RETIREMENT OF
G. H. FRATER, O.'. M.'.

PREFACE

NOBODY is better aware than myself that this account of my Retirement labours under most serious
disadvantages.

The scene should have been laid in an inaccessible lamaserai in Tibet, perched on stupendous crags; and
my familiarity with Central Asia would have enabled me to do it quite nicely.

One should really have had an attendant Sylph; and one's Guru, a man of incredible age and ferocity,
should have frequently appeared at the dramatic moment.

A gigantic magician on a coal-black steed would have added to the effect: strange voices, uttering
formidable things, should have issued from unfathomable caverns. A mountain shaped like a Svastika with
a Pillar of Flame would have been rather taking; herds of impossible yaks, ghost-dogs, gryphons. ...

But my good, friends, this is not the way things happen. Paris is as wonderful as Lhassa, and there are just
as many miracles in London as in Luang Prabang.

I did not even think it necessary to go into the Bois de Boulogne and meet those Three Adepts who cause
bleeding at the nose, familiar to us from the writings of Macgregor Mathers. {3}

The Universe of Magic is in the mind of a man: the setting is but Illusion even to the thinker.

Humanity is progressing; formerly men dwelt habitually in the exterior world; nothing less than giants and
Paynim and men-at-arms and distressed ladies, vampires and succubi, could amuse them. Their magicians
brought demons from the smoke of blood, and made gold from baser metals.

In this they succeeded; the intelligent perceived that the gold and the lead were but shadows of thought. It
became probable that the elements were but isomers of one element; matter was seen to be but a
modification of mind, or (at least) that the two things matter and mind must be joined before either could
be perceived. All knowledge comes through the senses, on the one hand; on the other, it is only through
the senses that knowledge comes.

We then continue our conquest of matter; and we are getting pretty expert. It took much longer to perfect
the telescope than the motor-car. And though, of course, there are limitations, we know enough to be able
to predict them.

We know in what progression the Power to Speed coefficient of a steamboat rises --- and so on.

But in our conquest of Nature, which we are making principally by the use of the rational intelligence of the
mind, we have become aware of that world itself, so much so that educated men spend nine-tenths of their
waking lives in that world, only descending to feed and dress and so on at the imperative summons of their
physical constitution.

Now to us who thus live the world of mind seems almost as savage and unexplored as the world of
Nature seemed to the Greeks. {4}

There are countless worlds of wonder unpath'd and uncomprehended --- and even unguessed, we doubt
not.

Therefore we set out diligently to explore and map these

untrodden regions of the mind.

Surely our adventures may be as exciting as those of Cortes or Cook!

It is for this reason that I invite with confidence the attention of humanity to this record of my journey.

But another set of people will find another disappointment. I am hardly an heroic figure. I am not The
Good Young Man That Died. I do not remain in holy meditation, balanced on my left eyelash, for forty
years, restoring exhausted nature by a single grain of rice at intervals of several months.

You will perceive in these pages a man with all his imperfections thick upon him trying blindly, yet with all
his force, to control the thoughts of his mind, so that he shall be able to say "I will think this thought and not
that thought" at any moment, as easily as (having conquered Nature) we are all able to say "I will drink this
wine, and not that wine."

For, as we have now learnt, our happiness does not at all depend upon our possessions or our power.
We would all rather be dead than be a millionaire who lives in daily dread of murder or blackmail.

Our happiness depends upon our state of mind. It is the mastery of these things that the Magicians of
to-day have set out to obtain for humanity; they will not turn back, or turn aside. {5}

It is with the object of giving the reins into the hands of others that I have written this record, not without
pain.

Others, reading it, will see the sort of way one sets to work; they will imitate and improve upon it; they will
attain to the Magistry; they will prepare the Red Tincture and the Elixir of Life -- for they will discover
what Life means.

{6}

PROLOGUE

IT hath appeared unto me fitting to make a careful and even an elaborate record of this Great Magical
Retirement, for that in the first place I am now certain of obtaining some Result therefrom, as I was never
previously certain.

Previous records of mine have therefore seemed vague and obscure, even unto the wisest of the scribes;
and I am myself afraid that even here all my skill of speech and study may avail me little, so that the most
important part of the record will be blank.

Now I cannot tell whether it is a part of my personal Kamma, or whether the Influence of the Equinox of
Autumn should be the exciting cause; but it has usually been at this part of the year that my best Results
have occurred. It may be that the physical health induced by the summer in me, who dislike damp and
chill, may being forth as it were a flower the particular kind of Energy --- Sammav yamo --- which gives
alike the desire to perform more definitely and exclusively the Great Work, and the capacity to achieve
success.

It is in any case remarkable that I was born in October (18-); suffered the terrible mystic trance which
turned me toward the Path in October (18-); applied for admission to G.'. D.'. in October (18-); opened
my temple at B---e in {7} October (18-); received the mysteries of L.I.L. in October (19-); and obtained
the grade of 6ø = 5ø; obtained the first true mystic results in October (19-); first landed in Egypt in
October (19-); landed again in Egypt in October (19-); first parted from ... in October (19-); wrote the
B.-i-M. in October (19-), and obtained the grade of 7ø = 4ø; received the great Initiation in October 19-;
and, continuing, received ........ in October 19-.

So then in the last days of September 19- do I begin to collect and direct my thoughts; gently, subtly,
persistently turning them one and all to the question of retreat and communion with that which I have
agreed to call the Holy Guardian Angel, whose Knowledge and Conversation I have willed, and in greater
or less measure enjoyed, since Ten Years.

Terrible have been the ordeals of the Path; I have lost all that I possessed, and all that I love, even as at
the Beginning I offered All for Nothing, unwitting as I was of the meaning of those words. I have suffered
many and grievous things at the hands of the elements, and of the planets; hunger, thirst, fatigue, disease,
anxiety, bereavement, all those woes and others have laid heavy hand upon me, and behold! as I look
back upon these years, I declare that all hath been very well. For so great is the Reward which I
(unworthy) have attained that the Ordeals seem but incidents hardly worthy to mention, save in so far as
they are the Levers by which I moved the World. Even those dreadful periods of "dryness" and of despair
seem but the necessary lying fallow of the Earth. All those "false paths" of Magic and Meditation and of
Reason were not false paths, but steps upon the {8} true Path; even a a tree must shoot downwards its
roots into the Earth in order that it may flower, and bring forth fruit in its season.

So also now I know that even in my months of absorption in worldly pleasure and business, I am not really
there, but stand behind, preparing the Event.

Imagine me, therefore, if you will, in Paris on the last day of September. How surprised was I --- though,
had I thought, I should have remembered that it was so --- to find all my necessary magical apparatus to
my hand! Months before, for quite other reasons, I had moved most of my portable property to Paris;
now I go to Paris, not thinking of a Retirement, for I now know enough to trust my destiny to bring all
things to pass without anxious forethought on my part --- and suddenly, therefore, here do I find myself
--- and nothing is lacking.

I determined therefore to begin steadily and quietly, allowing the Magical Will to come slowly forth, daily
stronger, in contrast to my old plan, desperation kindling a store of fuel dried by long neglect, despair
inflaming a mad energy that would blaze with violence for a few hours and then go out --- and nothing
done. "Not hurling, according to the oracle, a transcendent foot towards Piety."

Quite slowly and simply therefore did I wash myself and robe myself as laid down in the Goetia, taking the
Violet Robe of an Exempt Adept (being a single Garment), wearing the Ring of an Exempt Adept, and
that Secret Ring which hath been entrusted to my keeping by the Masters. Also I took the Almond Wand
of Abramelin and the Secret Tibetan Bell, made of Electrum Magicum with its striker of human {9} bone.
I took also the magical knife, and the holy Anointing Oil of Abramelin the Mage.

I began then quite casually by performing the Lesser Banishing Ritual of the Pentagram, finding to my great
joy and some surprise that the Pentagrams instantly formulated themselves, visible to the material eye as it
were bars of shining blackness deeper than the night.

I then consecrated myself to the Operation; cutting the Tonsure upon my head, a circle, as it were to admit
the light of infinity: and cutting the cross of blood upon my breast, thus symbolising the equilibration of and
the slaying of the body, while loosing the blood, the first projection in matter of the universal Fluid.

The whole formulating the Ankh --- the Key of Life!

I gave moreover the signs of the grades from 0ø = 0ø to 7ø 4ø.

Then did I take upon myself the Great Obligation as follows:

I. I, O.M. &c., a member of the Body of God, hereby bind myself on behalf of the whole
Universe, even as we are now physically bound unto the cross of suffering:
II. that I will lead a pure life, as a devoted servant of the Order:
III. that I will understand all things:
IV. that I will love all things:
V. that I will perform all things and endure all things:
VI. that I will continue in the Knowledge and Conversation of My Holy Guardian Angel:
VII. that I will work without attachment: {10}
VIII. that I will work in truth:
IX. that I will rely only upon myself:
X. that I will interpret every phenomenon as a particular dealing of God with my soul.

And if I fail herein, may my pyramid be profaned, and the Eye be closed upon me!

All this did I swear and seal with a stroke upon the Bell.

Then I steadily sat down in my Asana (or sacred Posture), having my left heel beneath my body pressing
into the anus, my right sole closely covering the phallus, the right leg vertical; my head, neck, and spine in
one straight vertical line; my arms stretched out resting on their respective knees; my thumbs joined each
to the fourth finger of the proper hand. All my muscles were tightly held; my breath came steady, slow and
even through both nostrils; my eyes were turned back, in, up to the Third Eye; my tongue was rolled back
in my mouth; and my thoughts, radiating from that Third Eye, I strove to shut in unto an ever narrowing
sphere by concentrating my will upon the Knowledge and Conversation of the Holy Guardian Angel.

Then I struck Twelve times upon the Bell; with the new month the Operation was duly begun.

Oct. I.

The First Day


At Eight o'clock I rose from sleep and putting on my Robe, began a little to meditate. For several reasons
--- the journey and business of the day before, etc., etc., I did not feel fresh. But forcing myself a little I
rose {11} and went out to the Caf‚ du D“me where I took coffee and a biroche, after buying an exercise
book in which to write this record.
This was about 8.45; and now (10.10) I have written thus far. [Including the Prologue, but not the
Preface. --- ED.]

10.45. I have driven over to the Hammam through the beautiful sunshine, meditating upon the discipline of
the Operation.
It seems only necessary to cut off definitely dispersive things, aimless chatter and such; for the Operation
itself will guide one, leading to disgust for too much food and so on. It there by upon my limbs any chain
that requires a definite effort to break it, perhaps sleep is that chain. But we shall see --- solvitur
ambulando. If any asceticism be desirable later on, true wariness will soon detect any danger, and devise
a means to meet it and overcome it.

12.0. Have finished bath and massage, during which I continued steadily but quite gently, "not by a strain
laborious and hurtful but with stability void of movement," willing the Presence of Adonai.

12.5. I ordered a dozen oysters and a beefsteak, and now (12.10) find myself wishing for an apple
chewed and swallowed by deglutition, as the Hatha Yogis do.
The distaste for food has already begun.

12.12. Impressions already failing to connect.
I was getting into Asana and thinking "I record this fact," when I saw a jockey being weighed. {12}

12.12. I thought of recording my own weight which I had not taken.
Good!

12.13. Pranayama [10 seconds to breath in, 20 seconds to
12.24. breathe out, 30 seconds to hold in the breath.] Fairly good; made me sweat again thoroughly.
Stopped not from fatigue but from lunch.
[Odd memoranda during lunch.
Insist on pupils writing down their whole day; the play as well as the work. "By this means they will
become ashamed, and prate no longer of 'beasts.'"]
I am now well away on the ascetic current, devising all sorts of privations and thoroughly enjoying the
idea.

12.55. Having finished a most enjoyable lunch, will drink coffee and smoke, and try and get a little sleep.
Thus to break up sleep into two shifts.

2.18. A nice sleep. Woke refreshed.

3.15. Am arrived home, having performed a little business and driven back.
Will sit down and do Asana, etc.

3.20. Have started.

3.28. 7 Pranayama cycles enough. Doubtless the big lunch is a nuisance.
I continue meditating simply.

3.36. Asana hurts badly, and I can no longer concentrate at all. Must take 5 minutes' rest and then
persevere. {13}

3.41. Began again. I shall take "Hua allalu alazi lailaha illa hua" for mantra [any sacred sentence, whose
constant repetition produces many strange effects upon the mind. --- ED.] if I want one, or: may Adonai
reveal unto me a special mantra to invoke Him!

3.51. Broke down again, mantra and all.

3.52- Went on meditating in "Hanged Man posture" [Legs
4.14. crossed, arms below head, like the figure of the Hanged Man in the Tarot Cards. --- ED.] to
formulate sacrifice and pain self- inflicted; for I feel such a worm, able only to remain a few minutes at a
time in a position long since "conquered." For this reason too I cut again the Cross of Blood; and now a
third time will I do it. And I will take out the Magical Knife and sharpen it yet more, so that this body may
fear me; for that I am Horus the terrible, the Avenger, the Lord of the Gate of the West.

4.15- Read Ritual DCLXXI. [The nature of this Ritual is
4.30. explained later. --- ED.]

5.10. I have returned from my shopping. Strange how solemn and dignified so trivial a thing becomes,
once one has begun to concentrate!
I bought two pears, half a pound of Garibaldi biscuits, and a packet of Gaufrettes. I had a citron press‚,
too, at the D“me.
At the risk of violating the precepts of Zoroaster 170 and 144 I propose to do a Tarot divination for this
Operation. {14}

5.10. I should explain first that I write this record for other eyes than mine, since I am now sufficiently sure
of myself to attain something or other; but I cannot foretell exactly what form the attainment may take. Just
so, if one goes to call upon a friend, he may be walking or riding or sleeping.
Thus, then, is Adonai hidden from me. I know where He lives; I know I shall be welcome if I call; but I do
not know whether He will invite me to a banquet or ask me to go out with him for a long journey.
It may be that the Rota will give me some hint.
[We have omitted the details of this divination. --- ED.]
I am never content with such divinations; trustworthy enough in material concerns, in the things of the Spirit
one rarely obtains good results.
The first operation was rather meaningless; but one must allow (a) that it was a new way of dealing those
cards for the opening of an operation; (b) that I had had two false starts.
The final operation is certainly most favourable; we shall see if it comes true. I can hardly believe it
possible.

6.10. Will now go for a stroll, get some milk, and settle down for the evening.

10.50. I regret to have to announce that on going across to the D“me with this laudable intention, Nina
brought up that red-headed bundle of mischief, Maryt Waska. This being in a way a "bandobast" (and so
inviolable), I took her to dinner, eating an omelette, and {15} some bread and Camembert, and a little
milk. Afterwards a cup of coffee, and then two hours of the Vajroli Mudra badly performed.
All this I did with reluctance, I did with reluctance, as an act of self-denial or asceticism, lest my desire to
concentrate on the mystic path should run away with me.
Therefore I think it may fairly be counted unto me for righteousness.
I now drink a final coffee and retire, to do I hope a more straightforward type of meditation.
So mote it be.
Naked, Maryt looks like Corregio's Antiope. Her eyes are a strange grey, and her hair a very wonderful
reddish gold --- a colour I have never seen before and cannot properly describe. She has Jewish blood in
her, I fancy; this, and her method of illustrating the axiom "Post coitum animal triste" made me think of
Baudelaire's "Une nuit que j'etais prŠs d'une affreuse Juive": and the last line

Obscurcir la splendeur des tres froides prunelles.

and Barbey d'Aurevilly's "Rideau Cramoisi" suggested to me the following poem. [We omit this poem. ---
ED.]

11.30. Done! i' th' rough! i' th' rought! Now let me go back to my room, and Work!

(11.47.) Home --- undressed --- robed --- attended to toilet -- cut cross of Blood once more to affirm
mastery of Body --- sat down at 11.49 and ended the day with 10 Pranayamas, which caused me to
perspire freely, but were not altogether easy or satisfactory. {16}

The Second Day

The Stroke of Twelve found me duly in my Asana, practising Pranayama.
Let me continue this work; for it is written that unto the persevering mortal the Blessed Immortals are swift
...
What they should happen to a persevering Immortal like myself?

12.7. Trying meditation and mantra.

12.18. I find thoughts impossible to concentrate; and my Asana, despite various cowardly attempts to
"fudge" it, is frightfully painful.

12.20. In the Hanged Man posture, meditating and willing the Presence of Adonai by the Ritual "Thee I
invoke, the Bornless One" and mental formulae.

12.28. I'm hopelessly sleepy! Invocation as bad as bad could be --- attention all over the place. Irrational
hallucinations, such as a vision of either Eliphaz Levi or my father (I can't swear which!) at the most solemn
moment!
But the irrational character of said visions is not bad. They come from nowhere; it is much worse when
your own controlled brain breaks loose.

12.33. I will therefore compose myself to sleep: is it not written that He giveth unto His beloved even in
sleep? "Others, even in sleep, He makes fruitful from His own strength." {17}

7.29. Woke and forced myself to rise. I had a number of rather pleasing dreams, as I seem to remember.
But their content is gone from me; and, in the absence of the prophet Daniel, I shall let the matter slide.

7.44. Pranayama. 13 cycles. Very tiring; I began to sweat. A mediocre performance.

8.0- Breakfast. Hatha Yogi --- a pear and two gau-
8.20 frettes.

8.53. Have been meditating in Hanged Man position. Thought dull and wandering; yet once "the
conception of the Glowing Fire" seen as a planet (perhaps Mars). Just enough to destroy the
concentration; then it went out, dammit!

10.40. Have attended to correspondence and other business and drunk a citron press‚.
The Voice of the Nadi began to resound.

10.50. Have done "Bornless One" in Asana. Good; yet I am filled with utter despair at the hopelessness of
the Task. Especially do I get the Buddhist feeling, not only that Asana is intensely painful, but that all
conceivable positions of the body are so.

11.0. Still sitting; quite sceptical; sticking to it just because I am a man, and have decided to go through
with it.

11.13. Have done 10 P.Y. cycles. A bit better,and a slight hint of the Bhuchari Siddhi foreshadowed.
Have been saying mantra; the question arises in my mind: {18}

11.13. Am I mixing my drinks unduly? I think not; if one didn't change to another mystic process, one
would have to read the newspaper.

11.20. This completes my half-hour of Asana. Legs very painful; yet again I find myself wishing for Kandy
(not sugar candy, but the place where I did my first Hindu practices and got my first Results) and a life
devoted entirely to meditation. But not for me! I'm no Pratyeka-Buddha; a Dhamma-Buddha every inch of
me! [A Pratyeka-Buddha attains the Supreme Reward for himself alone; a Dhamma-Buddha renounces it
and returns to hell (earth) to teach others the Way. --- ED.]
I now take a few minutes "off" to make "considerations."
I firmly believe that the minutest dose of the Elixir would operate as a "detonator." I seem to be perfectly
ready for illumination, if only because I am so perfectly dark. Yet my power to create magical images is
still with me.

11.40- Hanged Man posture. Will invoke Adonai once more
12.0. by pure thought. Got into a very curious state indeed; part of me being quite perfectly asleep, and
part quite perfectly awake.

2.10. Have slept, and that soundly, though with many dreams. Awaking with the utmost horror and
loathing of the Path of the Wise --- it seemed somehow like a vast dragon-demon with bronze green
wings iridescent that rose up startled and angry. And I saw that {19}
2.10. the littlest courage is enough to rise and throw off sleep, like a small soldier in complete armour of
silver advancing with sword and shield --- at whose sight that dragon, not daring to abide the shock, flees
utterly away.
2.15. Lunch, 3 Garibaldis and 3 Gaufrettes. Wrote two letters.
2.50. Going out walk with mantra.
8.3. This walk was in a way rather a success. I got the good mantra effects, e.g., the brain taking it up of
its own accord; also the distaste for everything but Adonai became stronger and stronger.
But when I returned from a visit to B---e on an errand of comradeship --- 1 1/2 hours' talk to cut out of
this mantra-yoga --- I found all sorts of people at the Dome, where I drank a citron presse: they detained
me in talk, and at 6.30 Maryt turned up and I had to chew a sandwich and drink coffee while she dined.
I feel a little headache; it will pass.
She is up here now with me, but I shall try to meditate. Charming as she is, I don't want to make love to
her.

8.40. Mixed mantra and caresses rather a success. (At her request I gave M. a minimum dose of X.)

9.15. Asana and Meditation with mantra since 8.40. The blackness seems breaking. For a moment I got a
vague glimpse of one's spine (or rather one's Sushumna) as a galaxy of stars, thus suggesting the stars as
the ganglia of the Universe.

9.18 To continue.

10.18. Not very satisfactory. Asana got painful; like a {20} worm I gave up, and tried playing the fool;
got amused by the New Monster, but did not perform the "Vajroli Mudra." [For this see the Shiva
Sanhita, and other of the Holy Sanskrit Tantras. --- ED.]
However, having got rid of her for the moment, one may continue.

10.24- P.Y. [Prana Yama. --- ED.] 14 cycles. Some effort re-
10.39. quired; sweating appears to have stopped and Bhuchari hardly begun.
My head really aches a good deal.
I must add one or two remarks. In my walk I discovered that my mantra Hua allahu, etc., really belongs to
the Visuddhi Cakkram; so I allowed the thought to concentrate itself there. [The Visuddhi-Cakkram: the
"nerve centre," in Hindu mystic physiology, opposite the larynx. --- ED.]
Also, since others are to read this, one must mention that almost from the beginning of this Working of
Magick Art the changed aspect of the world whose culmination is the keeping of the oath "I will interpret
every phenomenon as a particular dealing of God with my soul" was present with me. This aspect is
difficult to describe; one is indifferent to everything and yet interested in it. The meaning of things is lost,
pending the inception of their Spiritual Meaning; just as, on putting one's eye to the microscope, the drop
of water on the slide is gone, and a world of life discovered, though the real import of that world is not
apprehended, until one's knowledge becomes far greater than a single glance can make it. {21}

10.55. Having written the above, I shall rest for a few moments to try and get rid of my headache.
A good simile (by the way) for the Yogi is to say that he watches his thought like a cat watching a mouse.
The paw ready to strike the instant Mr. Mouse stir.
I have chewed a Gaufrette and drunk a little water, in case the headache is from hunger. (P.S. --- It was
so; the food cured it at once.)

11.2. I now lie down as Hanged Man and say mantra in Visuddhi.

11.10. I must really note the curious confusion in my mind between the Visuddhi Cakkram and that part of
the Boulevard Edgar Quinet which opens on to the cemetery. It seems an identity.
In trying to look "at" the Cakkram, I saw that.
Query: What is the connection, which appeared absolute and essential? I had been specially impressed by
that gate two days ago, with its knot of mourners. Could the scene have been recorded in a brain-cell
adjoining that which records the Visuddhi-idea? Or did I at that time unconsciously think of my throat for
some other reason? Bother! These things are all dog- faced demons! To work!

11.17. Work: Meditation an Mantra.

11.35. No good. Went off into a reverie about a castle and men-at-arms. This had all the qualities of a
true dream, yet I was not in any other sense asleep. I soon will be, though. It seems foolish to persist.
{22}

11.35. And indeed, though I tried to continue the mantra with its high aspiration to know Adonai, I must
have slept almost at once.


The Third Day

6.55. Now the day being gloriously broken, I awoke with some weariness, not feeling clean and happy,
not burning with love unto my Lord Adonai, though ashamed indeed for that thrice of four times in the
night I had been awakened by this loyal body, urging me to rise and meditate --- and my weak will bade it
be at ease and take its rest --- oh, wretched man! slave of the hour and of the worm!

7.0- Fifteen cycles of Prana Yama put me right mentally
7.16. and physically: otherwise they had little apparent success.

7.30. Have breakfasted --- a pear and two Garibaldis. (These by the way are the small size, half the big
squares.)

7.50. Have smoked a pipe to show that I'm not in a hurry.

8.5. Hanged Man with mantra in Visuddhi. Thought I had been much longer. At one point the Spirit began
to move --- how the devil else can I express it? The consciousness seemed to flow, instead of pattering. Is
that clear?
One should here note that there may perhaps be some essential difference in the operation of the Moslem
and Hindu mantrams. The latter boom; the former ripple. I have never tried the former at all seriously until
now. {23}

8.10- Meme jeu --- no good at all. Think I'll get up and have
8.32. a Turker.

9.0. Am up, having read my letters. Continuing mantra all the time in a more or less conscious way.

9.25. Wrote my letters and started out.

10.38. Have reached the Cafe de la Paix, walking slowly with my mantra. I am beginning to forget it
occasionally, mispronouncing some of the words. A good sign! Now and then I tried sending it up and
down my spine, with good effect.

10.40. I will drink a cup of coffee and then proceed to the Hammam. This may ease my limbs, and afford
an opportunity for a real go- for-the-gloves effort to concentrate.
It cannot be too clearly understood that nearly all the work hitherto has been preliminary; the intention is to
get the Chittam (thought-stuff) flowing evenly in one direction. Also one practises detaching it from the
Virttis (impressions). One looks at everything without seeing it.
O coffee! By the mighty Name of Power do I invoke thee, consecrating thee to the Service of the Magic
of Light. Let the pulsations of my heart be strong and regular and slow! Let my brain be wakeful and
active in its supreme task of self-control! That my desired end may be effected through Thy strength,
Adonai, unto Whom be the Glory for ever! Amen without lie, and Amen, and Amen of Amen.

11.0. I now proceed to the Hammam. {24}

12.0. The Bath is over. I continued the mantra throughout, which much alleviated the torture of massage.
But I could not get steady and easy in my Asana or even in the Hanged Man or Shavasana, the
"corpse-position." I think the heat is exciting, and makes me restless. I continue in the cooling-room lying
down.

12.10. I have ordered 12 oysters and coffee and bread and butter.
O oysters! be ye unto me strength that I formulate the 12 rays of the Crown of HVA! I conjure ye, and
very potently command.
Even by Him who ruleth Life from the Throne of Tahuti unto the Abyss of Amennti, even by Ptah the
swathed one, that unwrappeth the mortal from the immortal, even by Amoun the giver of Life, and by
Khem the mighty, whose Phallus is like the Pillar in Karnak! Even by myself and my male power do I
conjure ye. Amen.

12.20 I was getting sleepy when the oysters came.
I now eat them in a Yogin and ceremonial manner.

12.45. I have eaten my oysters, chewing them every one; also some bread and butter in the same manner,
giving praise to Priapus the Lord of the oyster, to Demeter the Lady of corn, and to Isis the Queen of the
Cow. Further, I pray symbolically in this meal for Virtue, and Strength, and Gladness; as is appropriate to
these symbols. But I find it very difficult to keep the mantra going, even in tune with the jaws; perhaps it is
that this peculiar method of eating (25 minutes {25} for what could be done normally in 3) demands the
whole attention.

1.30. Drifted into a nap. Well! we shall try what Brother Body really wants.

1.35. My attempt to go to sleep has made me supernaturally wakeful.
I am --- as often before --- in the state described by Paul (not my masseur; the other Paul!) in his Epistle
to the Romans, cap. vii. v. 19.
I shall rise and go forth.

1.55. I have a good mind to try violent excitement of the Muladhara Cakkram; for the whole Sushumna
seems dead. This at the risk of being labelled a Black Magician --- by clergymen, Christian Scientists, and
the "self-reliant" classes in general.

2.15. Arrived (partly by cab) at the Place. Certain curious phenomena which I have noticed at odd times
--- e.g., on Thursday night --- but did not think proper to record must be investigated. It seems quite
certain that meditation-practices profoundly affect the sexual process: how and why I do not yet certainly
know.

2.45. Rubbish! everything perfectly normal.
Difficult, though, to keep mantram going.

3.0. Am sitting on the brink of the big fountain in the Luxembourg. This deadness of the whole system
continues.
To explain. Normally, if the thought be energetically directed to almost any point in the body, that point is
{26} felt to pulse and even to ache. Especially this is the case if one vibrates a mantra or Magical name in
a nerve-centre. At present I cannot do this at all. The Prana seems equilibrated in the whole organism: I
am very peaceful --- just as a corpse is.
It is terribly annoying, in a sense, because this condition is just the opposite of Dharana; yet one knows
that it is a stage on the way to Samadhi.
So I rise and give confidently the Sign of Apophis and Typhon, and will then regard the reflection of the
sweet October Sun in the kissing waters of the fountain. (P.S. --- I now remember that I forgot to rise and
give the Sign.)

3.15. In vain do I regard the Sun, broken up by the lips of the water into countless glittering stars ---
abounding, revolving, whirling forth, crying aloud --- for He whom my soul seeketh is not in these. Nor is
He in the fountain, eternally as it jets and falls in brilliance of dew; for I desire the Dew Supernal. Nor is
He in the still depths of the water; their lips do not meet His. Nor --- O my soul! --- is He anywhere to be
found in thy secret caverns, unluminous, formless, and void, where I wander seeking Him --- or seeking
rest from that Search! O my soul! --- lift thyself up; play the man, be strong; harden thyself against thy
bitter Fate; for at the End thou shalt find Him; and ye shall enter in together into the Secret Palace of the
King; even unto the Garden of Lilies; and ye shall be One for evermore. So mote it be! {27}
Yet now --- ah now! --- I am but a dead man. Within me and without still stirs that life of sense that is not
life, but is as the worms that feast upon my corpse. ... Adonai! Adonai! my Lord Adonai! indeed, Thou
hast forsaken me. Nay! thou liest, O weak soul! Abide in the meditation; unite all thy symbols into the
form of a Lion, and be lord of thy jungle, travelling through the servile Universe even as Mau the Lion very
lordly, the Sun in His strength that travelleth over the heaven of Nu in His bark in the mid-career of Day.
For all these thoughts are vain; there is but One thought, though that thought be not yet born --- He only is
God, and there is none other God than He!

3.30. Walking home with mantra; suddenly a spasm of weeping took me as I cried through the mantra ---
"My God, my God, why hast Thou forsaken me?" --- and I have to stop and put it down!
A good thing; for it calms me.

3.45. At the Dome, master of myself. The Mantra goes just 30 times a minute, 1800 times an hour,
43,200 times a day. To say it a million times would take longer than Mrs. Glyn's heroine did to conceive.
Yet I will get the result if I have to say it a hundred and eleven million times. But oh! fertilise my Akasic
egg today!
This remark, one should notice, is truly characteristic of the man John St. John. I see how funny it is; but
I'm quite serious withal. Ye dull dogs! {28}
[The "Akasic Egg" is the sphere of the personality of man. A theosophic term. --- ED.]

3.55. N.B. --- Mantras might with advantage be palindromes.

3.56. I try to construct a magic square from the mantra. No good. But the mantra is going much better,
quite mechanically and "without attachment" (i.e., without conscious ulterior design. "Art for Art's sake" as
it were).

4.10. I drink a "citron presse."

4.25. Alas! here comes Maryt (with a sad tale of X. It appears that she fainted and spent some hours at
the hospital. I should have insisted on her stying with me; the symptoms began immediately on her drinking
some coffee. I have noticed with myself, that eating has started the action).

5.30. An hour of mingled nap and mantra.
I now feel alive again. It was very strange how calm and balanced I was: yet now I am again energised;
may it be to the point of Enthusiasm!
People will most assuredly smile at this exalted mystic; his life seems made up of sleep and love-making.
Indeed, to-day I have been shockingly under the power of Tamas, the dark sphere. But that is clearly a
fatigue-effect from having worked so hard.
Oh Lord, how long?

5.50. The Mantra still ripples on. I am so far from the Path that I have a real good mind to get Maryt to let
me perform the Black Mass on her at midnight. I would {29} just love to bring up Typhon, and curse
Osiris and burn his bones and his blood!
At least, I now solemnly express a pious wish that the Crocodile of the West may eat up the Sun once and
for all, that Set may defile the Holy Place, that the supreme Blasphemy may be spoken by Python in the
ears of Isis.
I want trouble. I want to say Indra's mantram till his throne gets red-hot and burns his lotus-buttocks; I
want to pinch little Harpocrates till he fairly yells ... and I will too! Somehow!

6.15. I have now got into a sort of smug content, grinning all over like some sleepy Chinese god. No
reason for it, Lord knows!
I can't make up my mind whether to starve or sandwich or gorge the beast St. John. He's not the least bit
hungry, though he's had nothing to call a Meal since Thursday lunch. The Hatha-Yoga feeding game is
certainly marvellous.
I should like to work marching and breathing with this mantra as I did of old with Aum Tat Sat Aum.
Perhaps two steps to a mantra, and 4-8-16 steps to a breath-cycle? This would mean 28 seconds for a
breath-cycle; quite enough for a marching man. We might try 4-8-8 to start; or even 8-8-8 (for the
Chariot, wherein the Geburah of me rises to Binah --- Strength winning the Wings of Understanding).
[These symbols, allusions, and references will all be found in 777, just published by "The Equinox" --- see
advt. --- ED.] {30}

6.55. I shall now ceremonially defile the Beyt Allah with Pig, to express in some small measure my utter
disgust and indignation with Allah for not doing His job properly. I say in vain "Labbaik!" [I am here. ---
ED.] He answers, "But I'm not here, old boy --- another leg-pull!" He little knows His man, though, if He
thinks He can insult me with impunity. Andre, un sandwich!
[Beyt Allah, the Mosque at Mecca, means "House of God" --- ED.]

7.5. I shall stop mantra while I eat, so as to concentrate (a) on the chewing, (b) on defiling the House of
God. Not so easy! the damned thing runs on like a prairie fire. Important then to stop it absolutely at will:
even the Work itself may become an obsession.
11 hours with no real break --- not bad.
The bad part of to-day seems the Asana, and the deadness. Or, perhaps worse, I fail to apprehend the
true magical purport of my work: hence all sort of aimless formulae, leading --- naturally enough --- to no
result.
It just strikes me --- it may be this Isis Apophis Osiris IAO formula that I have preached so often.
Certainly the first two days were Isis --- natural, pleasant, easy events. Most certainly too to-day has been
Apophis! Think of the wild cursing and black magic, etc. ... we must hope for the Osiris section
to-morrow or next day. Birth, death, resurrection! IAO!

7.35. The Sandwich duly chewed, and two Coffees drunk, I resume the mystic Mantra. Why? Because I
dam well choose to. {31}

7.50. 'Tis a rash thing to say, and I burn incense to the Infernal Gods that the Omen may be averted; but I
seem to have conquered the real Dweller of the Threshold once and for all. For nowadays my blackest
despair is tempered by the certainty of coming through it sooner or later, and that with flying colours.

9.30. The last 3/4 hour I wasted talking to Dr. R---, that most interesting man. I don't mean talking; I
mean listening. You are a bad, idle good-for-nothing fellow, O.M.! Why not stick to that mantra?

10.40. Have drunk two citrons press‚s and gone to my room to work a mighty spell of magick Art.

11.0. Having got rid of Maryt (who, by the way, is Quite mad), and thereby (one might hope) of Apophis
and Typhon, I perform the Great Ritual DCLXXI with good results magically; "i.e.", I formulated things
very easily and forcibly; even at one time I got a hint of the Glory of Adonai. But I made the absurd
mistake of going through the Ritual as if I was rehearsing it, instead of staying at the Reception of the
Candidate and insisting upon being really received.
I will therefore now (11.50) sit down again and invoke really hard on these same lines, while the Perfume
and the Vision are yet formulated, though insensibly, about me. And thus shall end the Third day of my
retirement.


The Fourth Day

12.15. So therefore begins the fourth day of this my great magical retirement; I bleed from the slashes of
the {32} magick knife; I smart from the heat of the Holy Oil; I am bruised by the scourge of Osiris that
hath so cruelly smitten me; the perfume yet fills the chamber of Art; --- and I?
Oh Adonai my Lord, surely I did invoke Thee with fervour; yet Thou camest not utterly to the tryst. And
yet I know that Thou wast there; and it may be that the morning may being rememberance of Thee which
this consciousness does not now contain.
But I swear by Thine own glory that I will not be satisfied with this, that I will go on even unto madness
and death if it be Thy will --- but I will know Thee as Thou art.
It is strange how my cries died down; how I found myself quite involuntarily swinging back to the old
mantra that I worked all yesterday.
However, I shall try a little longer in the Position of the Hanged Man, although sleep is again attacking me.
I am weary, yet content, as if some great thing had indeed happened. But if I lost consciousness --- a thing
no man can be positive about from the nature of things --- it must have happened so quietly that I never
knew. Certainly I should not have thought that I had gone on for 25 minutes, as I did.
But I do indeed ask for a Knowledge and Conversation of the Holy Guardian Angel which is not left so
much to be inferred from the good results in my life and work; I want the Perfume and the the Vision. ...
Why am I so materially wallowing in grossness? It matters little; the fact remains that I do wallow. {33} I
want that definite experience in the very same sense as Abramelin had it; and what's more, I mean to go
on till I get it.

12.34. I begin, therefore, in Hanged Man posture, to invoke the Angel, within the Pyramid already duly
prepared by DCLXXI.

12.57. Alas! in vain have I tried even the supreme ritual of Awaiting the Beloved, although once I thought
--- Ah! give unto Thy beloved in sleep!
How ashamed I should be, though! For an earthly lover one would be on tiptoe of excitement, trembling at
every sound, eager, afraid ...
I will, however, rise and open (as for a symbol) the door and the window. Oh that the door of my heart
were ever open! For He is always there, and always eager to come in.

1.0. I rise and open unto my Beloved.
... May it be granted unto me in the daylight of this day to construct from DCLXXI a perfect ritual of
self-initiation, so as to avoid the constant difficulty of assuming various God-forms. Then let that ritual be a
constant and perfect link between Us ... so that at all times I may be perfect in Thy Knowledge and
Conversation, O mine Holy Guardian Angel! to whom I have aspired these ten years past.

1.5. And though as it may seem I now compose myself to sleep, I await Thee ... I await Thee!

7.35. I arise from sleep, mine eyes a little weary, my soul fresh, my heart restored. {34}

8.0. Accordingly, I continue in gentle and easy meditation on my Lord Adonai, without fear or violence,
quite directly and naturally.
One of the matters that came up last night with Dr. R---d was that of writing rubbish for magazines. He
thought that one could do it in the intervals of serious work; but I do not think that one should take the
risk. I have spent these many years training my mind to think cleanly and express beautifully. Am I to
prostitute myself for a handful of bread?
I swear by Thyself, O Thou who art myself, that I will not write save to glorify Thee, that I will write only
in beauty and melody, that I will give unto the world as Thou givest unto me, whether it be a consuming
fire, or a cup of the wine of Iacchus, or a glittering dagger, or a disk brighter than the sun. I will starve in
the street before I pander to the vileness of the men among whom I live --- oh my Lord Adonai, be with
me, give me the purest poesy, keep me to this vow! And if I turn aside, even for a moment, I pray Thee,
warn me by some signal chastisement, that Thou art a jealous god, and that Thou wilt keep me veiled,
cherished, guarded in Thine harem a pure and perfect spouse, like a slender fountain playing in Thy courts
of marble and of malachite, of jasper, of topaz, and of lapis lazuli.
And by my magick power I summon all the inhabitants of the ten thousand worlds to witness this mine
oath.
8.15. I will rise, and break my fast. I think it as well to go on with the mantra, as it started of its own
accord. {35}

9.0. Arrived at Pantheon, to breakfast on coffee and biroche and a peach.
I shall try and describe Ritual DCLXXI; since its nature is important to this great ceremony of initiation.
Those who understand a little about the Path of the Wise may receive some hint of the method of
operation of the L.V.X.
And I think that a description will help me to collect myself for the proper adaptation of this Ritual to the
purpose of Self- initiation.
Oh, how soft is the air, and how serene the sky, to one who has passed through the black rule of
Apophis! How infinitely musical are the voices of Nature, those that are heard and those that are not
heard! What Understanding of the Universe, what Love is the prize of him that hath performed all things
and endured all things!
The first operation of Ritual DCLXXI is the preparation of the Place.
There are two forces; that of Death and that of Natural Life.
Death begins the Operation by a knock, to which Life answers.
Then Death, banishing all forces external to the operation, declares the Speech in the Silence.
Both officers go from their thrones and form the base of a triangle whose apex is the East. They invoke the
Divine Word, and then Death slays with the knife, and embalms with the oil, his sister Life.
Life, thus prepared, invokes, at the summons of Death, {36} the forces necessary to the Operation. The
Word takes its station in the East and the officers salute it both by speech and silence in their signs; and
they pronounce the secret Word of power that riseth from the Silence and returneth thereunto.
All this they affirm; and in affirming the triangular base of the Pyramid, find that they have mysteriously
affirmed the Apex thereof whose name is Ecstasy.
This also is sealed by that secret word; for that Word containeth All.
Into this prepared Pyramid of divine Light there cometh a certain darkling wight, who knoweth not either
his own nature, or his origin or destiny, or even the name of that which he desireth. Before he can enter the
Pyramid, therefore, four ordeals are required of him.
So, bound and blinded, he stumbles forward, and passes through the wrath of the Four Great Princes of
the Evil of the World, whose Terror is about him on every side. Yet since he has followed the voice of the
Officer who has prepared him, in this part of the Ritual no longer merely Nature, the great Mother, but
Neschamah (his aspiration) and the representative of Adonai, he may pass through all. Yea, in spite of the
menace of the Hiereus, whose function is now that of his fear and of his courage, he goes on and enters
the Pyramid. But there he is seized and thrown down by both officers as one unworthy to enter. His
aspiration purifies him with steel and fire; and there as he lies shattered by the force of the ritual, he hears
--- even as {37} a corpse that hears the voice of Israfel --- the Hegemon that chants a solemn hymn of
praise to that glory which is at the Apex, and who invisibly rules and governs the whole Pyramid.
Now then that darkling wight is lifted by the officers and brought to the altar in the centre; and there the
Hiereus accuses him of the two and twenty Basenesses, while the Hegemon lifting up his chained arms
cries again and again against his enemy that he is under the Shadow of the Eternal Wings of the Holy One.
Yet at the end, at the supreme accusation, the Hiereus smites him into death. The same answer avails him,
and in its strength he is uplifted by his aspiration --- and now he stands upright.
Now then he makes a journey in his new house, and perceives at stated times, each time preceded by a
new ordeal and equilibration, the forces that surround him. Death he sees, and the Life of Nature whose
name is Sorrow, and the Word that quickeneth these, and his own self --- and when he hath recognised
these four in their true nature he passes to the altar once more and as the apex of a descending triangle is
admitted to the lordship of the Double Kingdom. Thus is he a member of the visible triad that is crossed
with the invisible --- behold the hexagram of Solomon the King! All this the Hiereus seals with a knock
and at the Hegemon's new summons he --- to his surprise --- finds himself as the Hanged Man of the
Tarot.
Each point of the figure thus formed they crown with light, until he glitters with the Flame of the Spirit.
{38}
Thus and not otherwise is he made a partaker of the Mysteries, and the Lightning Flash strikes him. The
Lord hath descended from heaven with a shout and with the Voice of the Archangel, and the trump of
God.
He is installed in the Throne of the Double Kingdom, and he wields the Wand of Double Power by the
sings of the grade.
He is recognized an initiate, and the word of Secret Power, and the silent administration of the Sacrament
of Sword and Flame, acknowledge him.
Then, the words being duly spoken and the deeds duly done, all is symbolically sealed by the Thirty
Voices, and the Word that vibrateth from the Silence to the Speech, and from the Speech again unto the
Silence. Then the Pyramid is sealed up, even as it was opened; yet in the sealing thereof the three men
partake in a certain mystical manner of the Eucharist of the Four Elements that are consumed for the
Perfection of the Oil.
Knox Om Pax. [With these mystic words the Mysteries Eleusinian were sealed. --- ED.]

10.0. Having written out this explanation, I will read it through and meditate solemnly thereupon. All this I
wrote in the Might of the Secret Ring committed unto me by the Masters; so that all might be absolutely
correct.
One thing strikes me as worthy of mention. Last night when I went into the restaurant to speak to {39}
R---d, my distaste for food was so intense that the smell of it caused real nausea. To-day, I am perfectly
balanced, neither hungry nor nauseated. This is indeed more important than it seems; it is a sure sign when
one sees a person take up fads that he is under the black rule of Apophis. In the Kingdom of Osiris there
is freedom and light. To-day I shall eat neither with the frank gluttony of Isis nor with the severe asceticism
of Apophis. I shall eat as much and as little as I fancy; these violent means are no longer necessary. Like
Count Fosco, I shall "go on my way sustained by my sublime confidence, self-balanced by my
impenetrable calm."

10.50. I have spent half an hour wandering in the Musee du Luxembourg.
I now sit down to meditate on this new ritual.
The following, so it appears, should be the outlines --- damn it, I've a good mind to write it straight off ---
no! I'll be patient and tease the Spirit a little. I will be coquettish as a Spanish catamite.

1. Death summons Life and clears away all other forces.
2. The Invocation of the Word. Death consecrates Life, who in her whirling dance invokes
that Word.
3. They salute the Word. The Signs and M---M1 must be a Chorus, if anything.
4. The Miraculous appearance of Iacchus, uninvoked.

{40}

10.50

1. The 3 Questions.
2. The 4 ordeals. Warning and comfort as an appeal to the Officers.
3. The Threshold.
1 WEH Note: "M---M" refers to the secret Neophyte word of the A.'. A.'..
The Chorus of Purification.
The Hymn "My heart, my mother!" as already written, years ago.
4. At the altar. The accusation and defence as antiphonies.
5. The journey. Bar and pass, and the 4 visions even as a mighty music.
6. The Hanged Man --- the descent of Adonai.
7. The installation --- signs, etc.

Sealing as for opening; but insert Sacrament.

1.15. During a lunch of 12 oysters, Cepes Bordelaise, Tarte aux Cerises, Cafe Noir, dispatched without
Yoga or ceremonial, I wrote the Ritual in verse, in the Egyptian Language. I don't think very well. Time
must show: also experience. I'd recite Tennyson if I thought it would give Samadhi!
Now more mantra, though by the Lord I'm getting sick of it.

1.40. It occurs to me, now that I am seeing my way in the Operation a little more clearly, that one might
consider the First Day as Osiris Slain +, the Second as that of the Mourning of Isis _, the third as that of
the Triumph of Apophis V, and to-day that of Osiris Risen X; these four days being perfect in themselves
as a 5ø = 6ø operation (or possibly with one or two more {41} to recapitulate L.V.X. Lux, the Light of
the Cross). Thence one might proceed to some symbolic passage through the 6ø = 5ø grade --- though of
course that grade is really symbolic of this soul-journey, not "vice versa" --- and through 7ø = 4ø; so
perhaps --- if one could only dare to hope it! --- to the 8ø = 3ø attainment. Certainly what little I have
done so far pertains no higher than Minor adeptship though I have used higher formulae in the course of
my working.

1.55. My Prana is acting in a feverish manner; a mixture of fatigue and energy. This is not good: it
probably comes from bolting that big lunch, and may mean that I must sleep to recover equilibrium. I will,
however, use the Pentagram ritual on my Anahata Cakkram [the heart; a nerve-centre in Hindu mystical
physiology. --- ED.] and see if that steadies me. (P.S. --- Yes: instantly). Notice, please, how in this
condition of intense magical strain the most trifling things have a great influence. Normally, I can eat
anything in any quantity without the slightest effect of any sort; witness my expeditions and debauches;
nothing upsets me.
P.S. --- But notice, please! Normally half a bottle of Burgundy excites me notably; while doing this magic
is like so much water. A "transvaluation of all values!"

3.55. Over a citron presse I have revised the new Ritual. Also I have bought suitable materials for copying
it fair; and this I did without solemnity or ceremonial, {42} but quite simply, just as anybody else might buy
them. In short, I bought them in a truly Rosicrucian manner, according to the custom of the country. I add
a few considerations on the grade of Adeptus Major 6ø = 5ø.
(P.S. --- Distinction is to be made between attainment of this
grade in the natural and in the spiritual world. The former I
long since possessed.)

1. It may perhaps mean severe asceticism. In case I should be going out on that path I will
try and get a real good dinner to fortify myself.
2. The paths leading to Geburah are from Hod, that of the Hanged Man, and from Tiphereth,
that of Justice, both equilibrated aspects of Severity, the one implying Self-Sacrifice, the
other involuntary suffering. One is Freewill, the other Karma; and that in a wider sense than
that of Suffering.
The Ritual DCLXXI will still be applicable: indeed, it may be considered sufficient; but of
course it must be lived as well as performed.

(I must here complain of serious trouble with fountain pens, and the waste of priceless time fixing them up.
They have been wrong throughout the whole operation, a thing that has not happened to me for near eight
years. I hope I've got a good one at last --- yes, thank God! this one writes decently.) {43}

4.15. Somehow or other I have got off the track; have been fooling about with too many odd things,
necessary as they may have been. I had better take a solid hour willing the Tryst with Adonai.

5.40. Have done all this, and a Work of Kindness. I will again revise the new ritual, dine, return and copy
it fair for use.
Let Adonai the Lord oversee the Work, that it be perfect, a sure link with Him, a certain and infallible
Conjuration, and Spell, and Working of true Magick Art, that I may invoke Him with success whenever
seemeth good unto Him.
Unto Him; not unto Me! Is it not written that Except Adonai build the House, they labour in vain that build
it?

6.15. Chez Lavenue. Not feeling like revision, will read through this record.
My dinner is to be Bisque d'Ecrevisses, Tournedos Rossini, a Coupe Jack, half a bottle of Meursault, and
Coffee. All should now acquit adepts of the charge of not knowing how to do themselves well.

7.20. Dinner over, I return the Mantra-Yoga. One may note that I expected the wine to have an excessive
effect on me; on the contrary, it has much less effect than usual.
This is rather important. I have purposely abstained from anything that might be called a drug, until now,
for fear of confusing the effects.
With my knowledge of hashish-effects, I could very {44} likely have broken up the Apophis-kingdom of
yesterday in a moment, and the truth of it would have been 5 per cent. drug and 95 per cent. magic; but
nobody would have believed me. Remember that this record is for the British Public, "who may like me
yet." God forbid! for I cannot echo Browning's hope. Their greasiness, hypocrisy, and meanness are such
that their appreciation could only mean my vileness, not their redemption. Sorry if I seem pessimistic about
them! A nasty one for me, by the way, if they suddenly started buying me! I should have, in mere
consistency, to cut my throat!
Calm yourself, my friend! There is no danger.

7.40. At home again and robed. Am both tired and oppressed, even in my peace; for the day has been,
and the evening is, close and hot, with a little fog, and, one may suspect, the air is overcharged with
electricity. I will rest quietly with my mantra as Hanged Man, and perhaps sleep for a little.

8.10. No sleep --- no rest for the wicked! 'Tis curious how totally independent is mantra-yoga of reverie.
I can say my mantra vigorously while my thought wanders all over the world; yet I cannot write the
simplest sentence without stopping it, unless with a very great effort, and then it is not satisfactory to either
party!
Meditation --- of the "rational' sort --- on this leads me to suggest that active "radiant" thought may be
incompatible with the mantra, itself being (?) active. One can {45} read and understand quite easily with
the mantra going; one can remember things.
For example, I see my watch chain; I think. "Gold. Au, 196 atomic weight. AuCl3, L3 10s. 0d. an ounce"
and so on ad infinitum; but the act of writing down these things stops the mantra. This may be (partly)
because I always say under my breath each word as I write it. [P.S. --- But I do so, though less possibly,
as I read.]

8.22. As I am really awake, I may as well do a little Pranayama.

8.40. How little I know of magic and the conditions of success! My 17 cycles of breath were not
absolutely easy; yet I did them. After a big dinner!!! The sweating was quite suppressed, in spite of the
heat of the night and the exercise; and the first symptoms of the Bhuchari-Siddhi --- the "jumping about
like a frog" --- were well marked. I am encouraged to spend a few minutes (still in Asana) reading the
Shiva Sanhita.

9.0. Asana very painful again. True, I was doing it very strictly.
I notice they give a second stage --- trembling of the body --- as preliminary to the jumping about like a
frog --- I had omitted this, as one is so obviously the germ of the other.
The Hindus seem to lack a sense of proportion. When the Yogi, by turning his tongue back for one
half-minute, has conquered old age, disease and death; then instead of having good time he patiently (and
rather pathetically, I think!) devotes his youthful {46} immortality to trying to "drink the air through the
crow-bill" . . . . . . . . in the hope of curing a consumption of the lungs which he probably never had and
which was in any case cured by his former effort!

9.40. Have been practising a number of these mudras and asanas.
Concerning the Visuddi Cakkram which is "of brilliant gold or smoke colour and has sixteen petals
corresponding to the sixteen vowel sounds," one might make a good mantra of the English vowel sounds,
or the Hebrew.
"Curiouser and curiouser!" The Yogis identify the Varana (Ganges) with the Ida-Nadi, the Asi (?) with the
Pingala-Nadi, and Benares with the space between them. Like my identification of my throat with the Gate
of the cimetiere du Montparnasse.
Well, it requires very considerable discrimination and a good sound foundation of knowledge, if one
means to get any sense at all out of these Hindu books.

10.20. A little Pranayama, I think.

10.22. Can't get steady and easy at all! Will try Hanged Man again.

10.42. Not much good. The mantra goes on, but without getting hold of
the Chakkram.
'Tis difficult to explain; the best simile I can get is that of a motor running with the clutch out; or of a man
cycling on a suspended machine.
There's no grip to it. {47}
The fact of the matter is, I am quite unconcentrated. Evidently the Osiris Risen stage is over; and I think it
is a case for violent measures.
If one were to slack off now and hope for the morning, like a shipwrecked Paul, one would probably
wake up a mere man of the world.
The Question then arises: What shall I do to be saved?
The only answer --- and one which is quite unconnected with the question -- is that a Ritual of Adeptus
Major should display the Birth of Horus and Slaying of Typhon. Here again Horus and Harpocrates ---
the twins of the twin signs of 0ø = 0ø ritual --- are the slayers of Typhon. So all the rituals get mixed: the
symbols recur, though in a different aspect. Anyway, one wants something a deal better than the path of
Pe in 4ø = 7ø ritual.
I think the postulant should be actually scourged, tortured, branded by fire for his equilibrations at the
various "Stations of the Cross" or points upon his mystic journey. He must assuredly drink blood for the
sacrament --- ah! now I see it all so well! The Initiator must kill him, Osiris; he must rise again as Horus
and kill the Initiator, taking his place in the ceremony thence to the end. A bit awkward technically, but
'twill yield to science. They did it of old by a certain lake in Italy!
Well, all this is dog-faced demon, ever seducing me from the Sacred Mysteries. I can't go out and kill
anybody at this time o'night! We might make a start, {48} though, with a little scourging, torturing, and
branding by fire. ...
Anything for a quiet life!

11.0. But scourging oneself is not easy with a robe on; and though one could take it off, there is this point
to be considered: that one can never (except by a regrettable accident) hurt oneself more than one wants
to. In other words, it is impossible thus to inflict pain, and so flagellants have been rightly condemned as
mere voluptuaries. The only way to do so would be to inflict some torture whose severity one could not
gauge at the time: e.g., one might dip oneself in petroleum and set light to it, as the young lady mystic did
--- I suppose in Brittany! --- the other day. It's not the act that hurts, but the consequences; so, although
one knows only roughly what will happen, one can force oneself to the act.
This, then, is a possible form of self-martyrdom. Similarly, mutilations; though it is perhaps just to observe
that all these people are mad when they do these things, and their standard of pleasure and pain
consequently so different from the sane man's as to be incomprehensible.
Look at my Uncle Tom! who goes about the world bragging of his chastity. The maniac is probably happy
--- a peacock who is all tail! And squawk. Look at the Vegetarians and Wallaceites and all that crew of
lunatics. They are paid in the coin of self- conceit. I shall waste no pity on them! {49}
11.3. Rather pity myself, who cannot even make sensible "considerations" for a Ritual of Adeptus Major.
The only thing to do in short is to go steadily on, with a little extra courage and energy --- no harm in that!
--- on the same old lines. The Winding of the Way must necessarily lead me just where it may happen to
go. Why deliberately go off to Geburah? Why not aspire direct by the Path of the Moon-Ray unto the
Ineffable Crown? Modesty is misplaced here!
Very good. Then how aspire? Who is it that standeth in the Moon-Ray? The Holy Guardian Angel. Aye!
O my Lord Adonai, Thou art the Beginning and the End of the Path. For as Thou HB:Heh HB:Taw
HB:Aleph thou art also 406 = HB:Vau HB:Taw Tau the material world, the Omega. And as He HB:Aleph
HB:Vau HB:Heh Thou art 12, the rays of the Ineffable Crown.
(A disaster has occurred; viz., a sudden and violent attack of that which demands a tabloid of Pepsin,
Bismuth, and Charcoal --- and gets it. On my return, 11.34, I continue.)
And as HB:Yod HB:Nun HB:Aleph Ani "I" thou art also HB:Nun HB:Yod HB:Aleph 2 the Negative, that
is beyond these on either side!
But this illness is a nuisance. I must have got a little chill somehow. Its imminence would account for my
lack of concentration. And I could doubtless go on gloriously, but that another disaster has occurred!
Enter Maryt, sitting and clothed and in her right mind --- or comparatively so!

11.38. I suppose, then, I must quit the game for a minute or two. {50}

11.56. Got rid of her, thank God. I may say in self-defence that I would never have let her in but for the
accident of my being outside the room and the door left open, so that she was inside on my return.
Let me get into Asana.


The Fifth Day

12.26. So beginneth the Fifth Day of this great Magical Retirement. With two and twenty breath-cycles
did I begin. This practice was a little easier; but not much better. It ought to become quite simple and
natural before one devotes the half-minute of Kambhakam (breath held-in), when one is rigid to a strong
projection of Will toward Adonai, as has been my custom. I hope to-day will be more hard definite
magical Work, less discourse, less beatific state of mind --- which is the very devil! the real Calypso, none
the less temptress because her name happens to be Penelope. Ah Lord Adonai, my Lord! Grant unto me
the Perfume and the Vision; let me attain the desirable harbour; for my little ship is tossed by divers
tempests, even by Euroclydon, in the Place where Four Winds meet.

12.35. Therefore I shall go to rest, letting my mind rest ever in the Will toward Adonai. Let my sleep be
toward Him, or annihilation; let my waking be to the music of His name; let the day be full to the uttermost
of Him only.

2.18. My good friend the body woke me at this hour by means of disturbed dreams about a quite
imaginary {51} relative of whom nobody for years had ever seen anything but his head, which he would
poke out of a waterproof sheet. He was supposed to be an invalid. I am glad to say that I woke properly
and got quite automatically on to the mantra.
My Prana, however, seems feverish and unbalanced. So I eat a biscuit or two and drink some water and
will put it right with the Pentagram Ritual.
2 WEH Note: This is a correction from HB:Vau HB:Yod HB:Aleph , an evident typo in the original
printing.
Done, but oh! how hard. Sleep fights me as Apollyon fought Christian! but I will up and take him by the
throat.
(See; 'tis 2.30. Twelve minutes to do that little in!)
And look at the handwriting!

3.6. How excellent is Prana Yama, a comfort to the soul! I did thirty-two cycles, easy and pleasant; could
have gone on indefinitely. The muscles went rigid, practically of their own accord; so light did I feel that I
almost thought myself to be "that wise one" who "can balance himself on his thumb." Sleep is conquered
right away from the word "jump." Indeed, if

Satan trembles when he sees
The weakest saint upon his knees;

then surely:

Satan flees, exclaiming "Damn!"
When any saint starts Pranayam!

So happy, indeed, was I in the practice that I devoted myself by the Waiting formula to Adonai; and that I
got to "neighbourhood- concentration" is shewn by the fact that I several times forgot altogether about
Adonai, and found myself saying the silly old Mantram. {52}
I despair of asking my readers to distinguish between the common phenomenon of wandering thought and
this phenomenon which is at the very portal of true and perfect concentration; yet it is most important that
the distinction should be seized. The further difficulty will occur --- I hope! --- of distinguishing between
the vacancy of the idiot, and that destruction of thought which we call Shivadarshana, or
Nirvikalpa-samadhi. [We must again refer the reader to the Hindu classics. --- ED.]
The only diagnostic I can think of is this; that there is (I can't be sure about it) no rational connection
between the thought one left behind one and the new thought. In a simple wandering during the practice of
concentration one can very nearly always (especially with a little experience) trace the chain. With
neighbourhood-concentration this is not so. Perhaps there is a chain, but so great already is the power of
preventing the impressions from rising into consciousness that one has no knowledge of the links, each one
having been automatically slaughtered on the threshold of the consciousness.
Of course, the honest and wary practitioner will have no difficulty in recognising the right kind of
wandering; with this explanation there is no excuse for him if he does.
I have another theory, though. Perhaps this is not a wandering at all, but a complete annihilation of all
thought. Affirming Adonai, I lop off the heads of all others; and Adonai's own head falls. But in the {53}
momentary pause which this causes, some old habitual thought (to- night my mantra) rises up. A case of
the Closure followed by the Moving of the Previous Question.
Oh Lord! when wilt Thou carry a Motion to Adjourn, nay, to Prorogue, nay! to Dissolve this Parliament?

3.32. I am not sleepy; yet will I again compose myself, devoting myself to Adonai.

7.7. Again woke and continued mantra.

8.10. I ought to have made more of it at 7.7; I went off again to sleep; the result is that I am rather difficult
to wake again.
However, let me be vigilant now.

8.45. I have dressed and from 8.35-8.45 performed the Ritual of the Bornless One.
Though I performed it none too well (failing, "e.g.", to make use of the Geometric Progression on the
Mahalingam formula in the Ieou section [We cannot understand this passage. It presumably refers to the
"Preliminary Invocation" in the "Goetia" of King Solomon, published S.P.R.T., Boleskine Foyers, N.B.,
1904. --- ED], and not troubling even to formulate carefully the Elemental Hosts, or to marshal them
about the circle) I yet, by the favour of IAO, obtained a really good effect, losing all sense of personality
and being exalted in the Pillar. Peace and ecstasy enfolded me. It is well.

8.50 But as I was ill last night, and as the morning has broken chill and damp, I will go to the Cafe du
Dome {54} and break my fast humbly with Coffee and Sandwich. May it strengthen me in my search for
the Quintessece, the Stone of the Wise, the Summum Bonum, True Wisdom and Perfect Happiness!

9.0. I hope (by the way) that I have made it quite clear that all this time even a momentary cessation of
active thought has been accompanied by the rising-up of the mantra. The rhythm, in short, perpetually
dominates the brain; and becomes active on every opportunity. The liquid Moslem mantra is much easier
to get on to than is the usual Hindu type with its "m" and "n" sounds predominating: but it does not shake
the brain up so forcibly. Perhaps 'tis none the worse for that. I think the unconscious training of the brain to
an even rhythm better than startling it into the same by a series of shocks.
I should like, to to remark that the suggestions in the "Herb Dangerous" [We hope to publish this essay in
No. 2 of "The Equinox" --- ED.] for a ritual seem the wrong way round. It seems to me that the Eastern
methods are very arid, and chiefly valuable as a training of the Will, while the Ceremonies of the Magic of
Light tune up the soul to that harmony when it is but one step to the Crown.
The real plan is, then, to train the Will into as formidable an engine as possible, and then, at the moment in
the Ritual when the real work should be done, to fling forth flying that concentrated Will "whirling forth
with re-echoing Roar, so that it may comprehend with {55} invincible Will ideas omniform, which flying
forth from that one Fountain issued: whose Foundation is One, One and Alone."
As therefore Discipline of whatever kind is only one way of going into a wood at midnight on Easter Eve
and cutting the magic wand with a single blow of the magic knife, etc. etc. etc., we can regard the Western
system as the essential one. Yet of course Pranayama, for one thing, has its own definite magical effect,
apart from teaching the practitioner that he must last out those three seconds --- those deadly long last
three seconds --- even if he burst in the process.
All this I am writing during breakfast.
My devotees may note, by the way, how the desire to sleep is breaking up.
Night I. 7 1/2 hours, unbroken from 12.30.
" II. 7 hours nearly, with dreams.
" III. 8 hours nearly; but woke three or four
times, and if I had not been a worm
would have scattered it like chaff!
" IV. 6 1/2 hours; and I wake fresh.
" V. 1 3/4 + 4 1/2 + 1 hour; and real good work done
in the intervals.
[P.S. " VI. Probably 4 hours.
" VII. 2 + 2 + 1/2 hours.
" VIII. 6 hours much broken.
" IX. 1 1/2 + 2 + 2 hours.
" X. 4 + 1 1/4 hours.
" XI. 1 3/4 + 4 1/2 hours.
" XII. Back to the normal --- 7 hours perfect sleep.]
{56} 11.30. Have been walks with the mantra arranging for and modelling a "saddle" whereby to get
Asana really steady and easy; also for some photographs illustrating some of the more absurd positions,
for the instruction of my devotees.
I must now copy out the new Ritual.
This, you will readily perceive, is all wrong. Theoretically, everything should be ready by the beginning of
the Operation; and one should simply do it and be done with it.
But this is a very shallow view. One never knows what may be required; "i.e.", a beginner like myself
doesn't. Further, one cannot write an effective Ritual till one is already in a fairly exalted state ... and so on.
We must just do the best we can, now as always.

2.0. I have been concentrating solely on the Revision and copying of the Ritual. Therefore I now live just
as I always live in order to get a definite piece of work done: concentrating as it were " "off" the Work. As
Levi also adjures us by the Holy Names.
Coming back from lunch (a dozen Marennes Vertes and an Andouillette aux Pommes) I met Zelina
Visconti, more lovely-ugly than ever in her wild way. She says that she is favourably disposed towards
me, on the recommendation of her concierge!!!
"The tongue of good report hath already been heard in his favour.
Advance, free and of good report!" {57}

4.45. And only two pages done! but the decorations "marvelious"!

5.15. Another half-hour gone! in mere titivating the Opus! and now I'm too tired to as much as start Prana
Yama. I will go to the Dome and see what a citron press‚ and a sandwich does for me, at the same time
taking over the MS. of Liber DCCCCLXIII., which has been given me to correct, and doing it.
Please the pigs, the Visconti will cheer me up in the evening; and I shall get a good day in to-morrow.

6.35. Still at Liber DCCCCLXIII. [To be published shortly by "The Equinox." --- ED.] I should like to
write mantrams for each chapter.

7.20. Still at Liber DCCCCLXIII. I need hardly say that I am perfectly aware that in one sense all this
working and ritual making and copying and illuminating is but a crowd of dog-faced demons, since the
One Thought of Unity with Adonai is absent.
But I do it on purpose, making each thing I do into that Magic Will.
So if you ask me "Are you correcting Liber DCCCCLXIII.?" I reply, "No! I am Adonai!"

7.50. Arrival of the Visconti.

8.50. Departure of the Visconti. Really a necessary rest: for my head had begun to ache, and her kiss, half
given and half taken, much refreshed me.

9.50. Have done Liber DCCCCLXIII. 'Tis hardly thinkable that one could have read it (merely) in the
{58} time. Say three and a half hours! Well, if it doesn't count as Tapas, and Jap, and Yama, and
Niyama, and all the rest of it, all I can say is that I think They don't play fair. I will now go and get
something to eat, and (God willing) on my return settle down to real work, for I need daylight to copy my
Ritual.

11.30. A sandwich and two coffees at the Versailles and a citron press‚ at the Dome, some little chatter
with M---e, B---e, H---s, and others. In fact, I'm a lazy unconcentrated hound. I started Mantra again,
though; of course it goes quite easily.

11.50. Undressed, and the mantra going, and the Will toward Adonai less unapparent.
To-day I began ill, full of spiritual pride --- look at the records of my early hours! One might have thought
me a great master of magic loftily condescending to explain a few elementary truths suited to the capacity
of his disciples.
The fact is that I am a toad, ugly and venomous, and if I do wear a precious jewel in my hand, that jewel is
Adonai, and --- well, come to think of it, I am Adonai. But St. John is not Adonai; and St. John had better
do a little humiliation to-morrow.
Nothing being more humiliating than Prana Yama, I will begin with that.


The Sixth Day

12.5. Thus then --- oh ye great gods of Heaven! --- begins the Sixth Day of the Great Magical Retirement
of that {59} Holy Illuminated Man of God our Greatly Honoured Frater, O.M., Adeptus Exemptus 7ø =
4ø Brother-Elect of the Most Secret and Sublime Order A.'. A.'.
He does with great difficulty (and no interior performance) just four breath-cycles.
Somebody once remarked that it had taken a hundred million years to produce me; I may add that I hope
it will be another hundred million before God makes such another cur.

12.15. Have performed the Equilibrating Ritual of the Scourge, the Dagger, and the Chain; with the Holy
Anointing Oil that bringeth the informing Fire into their Lustral Water.

12.35. I am so sleepy that I cannot concentrate at all. (I was trying the "Bornless One.") The magic goes
well; good images and powerful, but I slack right off into sleep. It's the hour for heroic measures or else to
say: A good night's rest, and start fresh in the morning! I suppose, as usual, I shall say the first and do the
second.

12.45. Have risen, washed, performed the ritual "Thee I invoke, the Bornless One" physically.
The result fair. One gets better magical sight and feeling when one is performing a ritual in one's Astral
Body, so called. For one is on the same plane as the things one's dealing with.
If, however, serious work is wanted, one must be all there. To get "materialized" "spirits" --- pardon the
absurd language! --- one should (nay, must!) work inside {60} one's body. So, too, I think, for the
highest spiritual work; for that Work extends from Malkuth to Kether.
Here is the great value of the rationalistic Eastern systems. [P.S. Of course scientifically worked with
pencil, note-book, and stop-watch. The Yogi is usually in practice just as vague a dreamer as the mystic.]
They keep one always balanced by common sense. One might go off on lines of pleasing illusion for years,
until one was lost on the "Astral Plane."
All this, observe, is very meaningless, very vague at the best. What is the Astral Plane? Is there such a
thing? How do its phantoms differ from those of absinthe, reverie, and love, and so on?
We may admit their unsubstantiality without denying their power; the phantoms of absinthe and love are
potent enough to drive a man to death or marriage; while reverie may end in anti- vivisectionism or
nut-food-madness.
On the whole, I prefer to explain the many terrible catastrophes I have seen caused by magic
misunderstood by supposing that in magic one is working with some very subtle and essential function of
the brain, whose disease may mean for one man paralysis, for another mania, for a third melancholia, for a
fourth death. It is not "… priori" absurd to suggest that there may be some one particular thought that
would cause death. In the man with heart disease, for instance, the thought "I will run quickly upstairs"
might cause death quite as directly as "I will shoot myself."
Yet of {61} course this thought acts through the will and the apparatus of nerves and muscles. But might
not a sudden fear cause the heart to stop? I think cases are on record.
But all this is unknown ground, or, as Frank Harris would say, Unpath'd Waters. We are getting
dangerously near "mental arsenic" and "all --- god --- good --- bones --- truth --- lights --- liver --- mind
--- blessing --- heart --- one and not of a series --- ante and pass the buck."
The common sense of the practical man of the world is good enough for me! 1.10. Will G. R. S. Mead or
somebody wise like that tell me why it is that if I get out of my body and face (say) East, I can turn (in the
"astral body") as far as West-Sou'-West or thereabouts, but no further except with very great difficulty
and after long practice? In making the circle, just as I got to West, I would swing right back to
West-Nor'-West: turn easily enough, in short, to any point but due West, within perhaps 5ø, but never
pass that point. I have taught myself to do it, but always with an effort.
Is this a common experience?
I connect it with my faculty of knowing direction, which all mountaineers and travellers who have been
with me admit to be quite exceptional.
If I leave my tent or hut by a door facing, say, South-West, throughout that whole day, over all kinds of
ground, through any imaginable jungle, in all kinds {62} of weather, fog, blizzard, blight, by night or day, I
know within 5ø (usually within 2ø) the direction in which I faced when I left that tent or hut. And if I
happen to have observed its compass bearing, of course I can deduce North by mere judgment of angle,
at which I am very accurate.
Further, I keep a mental record, quite unconsciously, of the time occupied on a march; so that I can
always tell the time within five minutes or so without consulting my watch.
Further, I have another automatic recorder which maps out distance plus direction. Suppose I were to
start from Scott's and walk (or drive; it's all the same to me) to Haggerston Town Hall (wherever
Haggerston may be; but say it's N.E.), thence to Maida Vale. From Maida Vale I could take a true line
for Piccadilly again and not go five minutes walk out of my way, bar blind alleys, etc., and I should know
when I got close to Scott's again before I recognised any of the surroundings.
It always seems to me that I get an intuition of the direction and length of line A (Scott's to Haggerston
bee-line; in spite of any winding, it would make little odds if I went via Poplar), another intuition of line B
(Haggerston to Maida Vale), and obtained my line C (back to Scott's) by "Subliminal trigonometry."
In this example I am assuming that I had never been in London before. I have done precisely similar work
in dozens of strange cities, even a twisted warren like Tangier or Cairo. I am worse in Paris than {63}
anywhere else; I think because the main thoroughfares radiate from stars, and so the angles puzzle one.
The power, too, suits ill with civilized life; it fades as I live in towns, revives as I get back to God's good
earth. A seven- foot tent and the starlight --- who wants more?

1.35. Well, I've woke myself writing this. The point that really struck me was this: what would happen if
by severe training I forced my "astral body" --- damn it! isn't there a term for it free from L. ...
-prostitution? (One speaks of "les deux prostitutions"; so it's all right.) My Scin-Laeca, then --- what
would happen if I forced my Scin-Laeca to become a Whirling Dervish? I couldn't get giddy, because my
Semicircular canals would be at rest.
I must really try the experiment.
[Scin-Laeca. See Lord Lytton's "Strange Story." --- ED.]

1.58. I will now devote myself to sleep, willing Adonai. Lord Adonai, give me deep rest like death, so that
in very few hours I may be awake and active, full of lion-strength of purpose toward Thee!

7.35. My heroic conduct was nearly worth a "Nuit Blanche." For, being so thoroughly awake, I had all my
Prana irritated, a feeling like the onset of a malarial attack, twelve hours before the temperature rises. I
dare say it was after 3 o'clock when I slept; I woke too, several times, and ought to have risen and done
Prana Yama: but I did not. O worm! the sleepiest bird can easily catch "thee!" ... I am not nicely awake,
though it is to {64} my credit that I woke saying my mantra with vigour. 'Tis a bitter chill and damp the
morn; yet must I rise and toil at my fair Ritual.

7.55. Settling down to copy.

10.12. Have completed my two prescribed pages of illumination.
Will go and break my fast and do my business.

10.30. After writing letters went out and had coffee and two brioches.

11.50. At Louvre looking up some odd points in the lore of Khemi [Egypt. --- ED.] for my Ritual.

12.20. I cannot understand it; but I feel faint for lack of food; I must get back to strict Hatha-Yoga
feeding.

1.00. Half-dozen oysters and an entrec“te aux pommes.

2.05. Back to work. I am in a very low physical condition; quite equilibrated, but exhausted. I can hardly
walk upright!
Lord Adonai, how far I wander from the gardens of thy beauty, where play the fountains of the Elixir!

2.55. Wrote two pages; the previous were not really dry; so I must wait a little before illuminating.
I will rest --- if I can! In the Hanged Man posture.

4.30. I soon went to sleep and stayed there.
It is useless to persist. ... Yet I persist.

5.40. I was so shockingly cold that I went to the D“me and had milk, coffee, and sandwich, eaten in
Yogin manner. {65} But it has done no good as far as energy is concerned. I'm just as bad or worse than
I was on the day which I have called the day of Apophis (third day). The only thing to my credit is the way
I've kept the mantra going.

5.57. One thing at least is good; if anything does come of this great magical retirement --- which I am
beginning to doubt --- it will not be mixed up with any other enthusiasm, poetic, venereal, or bacchanalian.
It will be purely mystic. But as it has not happened yet --- and just at present it seems incredible that it
should happen --- I think we may change the subject.
.... What a fool I am, by the way! I say that "He is God, and that there is no other God than He" 1800
times an hour; but I don't "think" it even once a day.

6.30. All my energy has suddenly come back.
Was it that Hatha-Yoga sandwich?
I go on copying the Ritual.

7.10. Copying finished. I will go and dine, and learn it by heart, humbly and thoughtfully. The illumination
of it can be finished, with a little luck, in two more days.
I am disinclined to use the Ritual until it is beautifully coloured. As Zoroaster saith: "God is never so much
turned away from man, and never so much sendeth him new paths, as when he maketh ascent to divine
speculations or works, in a confused or disordered manner, and (as the oracle adds) with unhallowed lips,
or unwashed feet. For of those who are thus {66} negligent the progress in imperfect, the impulses are
vain, and the paths are dark."

7.40. Chez Lavenue. Bisque d'Ecrevisses, demi-perdreau … la Gel‚e, Cˆpes Bordelaise, Coupe Jack.
Demi Clos du Roi. I am sure I made a serious mistake in the beginning of this Operation of Magick Art. I
ought to have performed a true Equilibration by an hour's Prana Yama in Asana (even if I had to do it
without Kambhakham) at midnight, dawn, noon, and sunset, and I should have allowed nothing in heaven
above, or in earth beneath, or in the waters under the earth, to have interfered with its due performance.
Instead I thought myself such a fine fellow that to get into Asana for a few minutes every midnight and the
rest go-as-you- please would be enough. I am well punished.

8.30. This food, eaten in a Yogin and ceremonial manner, is doing me good. I shall end, God willing, with
coffee, cognac, and cigar. It is a fatal error to knock the body to pieces and leave the consciousness
intact, as has been the case with me all day. It is true that some people find that if they hurt the body, they
make the mind unstable. True; they predispose it to hallucination.
One should use strictly corporeal methods to tame the body; strictly mental methods to control the mind.
This latter restriction is not so vitally important. Any weapon is legitimate against a public enemy like the
mind. No truce nor quarter! {67} On the contrary, to use the spiritual forces to secure health, as certain
persons attempt to do to-day, is the vilest black magic. This is one of the numerous reasons for supposing
that Jesus Christ was a Brother of the Left-Hand Path. Now my body has been treating me well, waking
nicely at convenient hours, sleeping at suitable times, keeping itself to itself ... an admirable body. Then
why shouldn't I take it out and give it the best dinner Lavenue can serve? ... Provided that it doesn't stop
saying that mantra!
It would be so easy to trick myself into the belief that I had attained! It would be so easy to starve myself
until there was "visions about"! It would be so easy to write a sun-splendid tale of Adonai my Lord and
my lover, so as to convince the world and myself that I had found Him! With my poetic genius, could I not
outwrite St. John (my namesake) and Mrs. Dr. Anna Bonus Kingsford? Yea, I could deceive myself if I
did not train and fortify my scepticism at every point. That is the great usefulness of this record; one will be
able to see afterwards whether there is any trace of poetic or other influence. But this is my sheet-anchor: I
cannot wrote a lie, either in poetry or about magic. These are serious things that constitute my personality;
and I could more easily blow out my brains that write a poem which I did not feel. The apparent exception
is in case of irony.
[P.S. I wonder whether it would be possible to draw up a mathematical table, showing curves of food
(and {68} digestion), drink, other physical impulses, weather, and so on, and comparing them with the
curve of mystic enthusiasm and attainment. Through it is perhaps true that perfect health and "bien-ˆtre" are
the bases of any true trance or rapture, it seems unlikely that mere exuberance of the former can excite the
latter.
In other words there is probably some first matter of the work which is not anything we know of as bodily.
On my return to London, I must certainly put the matter before more experienced mathematicians, and if
possible, get a graphic analysis of the kind indicated.]

9.20. How difficult and expensive it is to get drunk, when one is doing magic! Nothing exhilarates or
otherwise affects one. Oh, the pathos and tragedy of those lines:
Come where the booze is cheaper!
Come where the pots hold more!
How I wish I had written them!

10.08. Having drunk a citron press‚ and watched the poker game at the D“me for a little, I now return
home. I thought to myself, "Let me chuck the whole thing overboard and be sensible, and get a good
night's rest" --- and perceived that it would be impossible. I am so far into this Operation that
pausing to cast one last glance back
O'er the safe road --- 'twas gone! {69}
I must come out of it either an Adept or a maniac. Thank the Lord for that! It saves trouble.

10.20. Undressed and robed. Will do an Aspiration in the Hanged Man position, hoping to feel rested and
fit by midnight.
The Incense has arrived from London; and I feel its magical effects most favourable.
O creature of Incense! I conjure thee by Him that sitteth upon the Holy Throne and liveth and reigneth for
ever as the Balance of Righteousness and Truth, that thou comfort and exalt my soul with Thy sweet
perfume, that I may be utterly devoted to this Work of the Invocation of my Lord Adonai, that I may fully
attain thereto, beholding Him face to face --- as it is written "Before there was Equilibrium, Countenance
beheld not Countenance" --- yea, being utterly absorbed in His ineffable Glory --- yea, being That of
which there is no Image either in speech or thought.

10.55. What a weary world we live in! No sooner am I betrayed into making a few flattering remarks
about my body that I find everything wrong with it, and two grains of Cascara Sagrada necessary to its
welfare!
.... I wish I knew where I was! I don't at all recognise what Path I am on; it doesn't seem like a Path at all.
As far as I can see, I am drifting rudderless and sailless on a sea of no shore --- the False Sea of the
Qliphoth. For in my stupidity I began to try a certain ritual of the Evil Magic, so called. ...
Not {70} evil in truth, because only that is evil (in one sense) which does not lead to Adonai. (In another
sense, all is evil which is not Adonai.) And of course I had the insane idea that this ritual would serve to
stimulate my devotion. For the information of the Z.A.M., I may explain that this ritual pertained to Saturn
in Libra; and, though right enough in its own plane, is a dog-faced demon in this operation. Is it, though? I
am so blind that I can no longer decide the simplest problems. Else, I see so well, and am so balanced,
that I see both sides of every question.
In chess-blindness one used to abjure the game. I never tried to stick it through; I wish I had. Anyhow, I
have to stick this through!
O Lord of the Eye, let thine Eye be ever open upon me! For He that watcheth Israel doth not slumber nor
sleep!
Lord Shiva, open Thou the Eye upon me, and consume me altogether in its brilliance!
Destroy this Universe! Eat up thine hermit in thy terrible jaws!
Dance Thou upon this prostrate saint of Thine!
... I suffer from thirst ... it is a thirst of the body ... yet the thirst of the soul is deeper, and impossible to
quench.
Lord Adonai! Let the Powers of Geburah plunge me again and again into the Fires of Pain, so that my
steel may be tempered to that Sword of Magic that invoketh Thy Knowledge and Thy Conversation.
Hoor! Elohim Gibor! Kamael! Seraphim! Graphiel! {71}
Bartzabel! Madim! I conjure ye in the Number Five.
By the Flaming Star of my Will! By the Senses of my Body! By the Five Elements of my Being! Rise!
Move! Appear! Come ye forth unto me and torture me with your fierce pangs ... for why? because I am
the Servant of the Same your God, the True Worshipper of the Highest.
Ol sonuf vaoresaji, gono ladapiel, elonusaha caelazod.
I rule above ye, said the Lord of Lords, exalted in power.
[From Dr. Dee's MSS. --- ED.]

11.17. Will now try the Hanged Man again.

11.30. Very vigorous and good, my willing of Adonai. ... I should like to explain the difficulty. It would be
easy enough to form a magical Image of Adonai: and He would doubtless inform it. But it would only be
an Image. This may be the meaning of the commandment "Thou shalt not make any graven image," etc.,
just as "Thou shalt not have any other Gods but me" implies single-minded devotion (Ekagrata) to Adonai.
So any mental or magical Image must necessarily fall short of the Truth. Consequently one has to will that
which is formless; and this is very difficult. To concentrate the mind upon a definite thing is hard enough;
yet at least there is something to grasp, and some means of checking one's result. But in this case, the
moment one's will takes a magical shape -- and the will simply revels in creating shapes -- at the moment
one knows that one has gone off the track. {72} This is of course (nearly enough) another way of
expressing the Hindu Meditation whose method is to kill all thoughts as they arise in the mind. The
difference is that I am aiming at a target, while they are preventing arrows from striking one. In my
aspiration to know Adonai, I resemble their Yogis who concentrate on their "personal Lord"; but at the
same time it must be remembered that I am not going to be content with what would content them. In
other words, I am going to "define" "the Knowledge and Conversation of my Holy Guardian Angel" as
equal to Neroda-Samapatti, the trance of Nibbana.
I hope I shall be able to live up to this!

11.55. Have been practising Asana, etc. I forgot one thing in the last entry: I had been reproaching Adonai
that for six days I had evoked Him in vain. ... I got the reply, "The Seventh Day shall be the Sabbath of the
Lord thy God."
So mote it be!


The Seventh Day.

12.17. I began this great day with Eight breath-cycles; was stopped by the indigestion trouble in its other
form. (P.S. --- Evidently the introduction of the Cascara into my sensitive aura made its action
instantaneous.) My breathing passages were none too clear, either; I have evidently taken a chill.
Now, O, my Lord Adonai, thou Self-Glittering One, wilt Thou not manifest unto Thy chosen one? For see
{73} me! I am as a little white dove trembling upon thine altar, its throat stretched out to the knife. I am as
a young child bought in the slave market ... and night is fallen! I await Thee, O my Lord, with a great
longing, stronger than Life; yet am I as patient as Death.
There was a certain Darwesh whose turban a thief stole. But when they said to him, "See! he hath taken
the road to Damascus!" that holy man answered, as he went quietly to the cemetery, "I will await him
here!"
So, therefore, there is one place, O thou thief of my heart's love, Adonai, to which thou must come at last;
and that place is the tomb in which lie buried all my thoughts and emotions, all that which is "I, and Me,
and Mine." There will I lay myself and await thee, even as our Father Christian Rosenkreutz that laid
himself in the Pastos in the Vault of the Mountain of the Caverns, Abiegnus, on whose portal did he cause
to be written the words, "Post Lux Crucis Annos Patebo." So Thou wilt enter in (as did Frater N. N. and
his companions) and open the Pastos; and with thy Winged Globe thou wilt touch the Rosy Cross upon
my breast, and I shall wake into life --- the true life that is Union with Thee.
So therefore --- perinde ac cadaver --- I await Thee.

12.43. I wrote, by the way, on some previous day (IV. 12.57 A.M.) that I used the Supreme formula of
Awaiting. ... Ridiculous mouse! is it not written in the Book of the {74} Heart that is girt about with the
Serpent that "To await Thee is the End, not the Beginning"?
It is as silly as rising at midnight, and saying, "I will go out and sleep in the sun."
But I am an Irishman, and if you offer me a donkey-ride at a shilling the first hour and sixpence the second,
you must not be surprised at the shrewd silliness of my replying that I will take the second hour first.
But that is always the way; the love of besting our dearest friends in a bargain is native to us: and so, even
in religion, when we are dealing with our own souls, we try to cheat. I go out to cut an almond rod at
midnight, and, finding it inconvenient, I "magically affirm" that ash is almond and that seven o'clock is
twelve. It seems a pity to have become a magician, capable of forcing Nature to accommodate herself to
your statements, for no better use to be made of the power than this!
Miracles are only legitimate when there is no other issue possible. It is waste of power (the most expensive
kind of power) to "make the spirits bring us all kinds of food" when we live next door to the Savoy; that
Yogi was a fool who spent forty years learning to walk across the Ganges when all his friends did it daily
for two pice; and that man does ill when he invokes Tahuti to cure a cold in the head while Mr. Lowe's
shop is so handy in Stafford Street.
But miracles may be performed in an extremity; and are.
This brings us round in a circle; the miracle of the {75}
Knowledge and Conversation of the Holy Guardian Angel is only to be performed when the magus has
rowed himself completely out; in the language of the Tarot, when the Magus has become the Fool. But for
my faith in the Ritual DCLXXI. I should be at the end of my spells.
Well? We shall see in the upshot.

1.25. I really almost begin to believe IT will happen.
For I lay down quite free of worry or anxiety (hugging myself, as it were), perfectly sure of Him in the
simple non-assertive way that a child is sure of its mother, in a state of pleased expectancy, my thoughts
quite suppressed in an intent listening, as it were for the noise of the wind of His chariot, as it were for the
rustle of His wings.
For lo! through the heaven of Nu He rideth in His chariot --- soon, soon He will be here!
Into this state of listening come certain curious things --- formless flittings, I know not what. Also, what I
used to call "telephone-cross" voices --- voices of strange people saying quite absurd commonplace things
--- "Here, let's feel it!" "What about lunch?" "So I said to him: Did you ..." and so on; just as if one were
overhearing a conversation in a railway carriage. I beheld also Kephra, the Beetle God, the Glory of
Midnight. But let me compose myself again to sleep, as did the child Samuel.
If He should choose to come, He can easily awaken me. {76}

3.35. I have been asleep a good deal --- one long dream in which P---t, Lord M---y of B---n and my
wife are all staying with me in my mother's house. My room the old room, with one page torn out --- for I
conceived it as part of a book, somehow! Oh such a lot of this dream! Most of it clearly due to obvious
sources --- I don't see where Lord M---y comes in. Very likely he is dead. I have had that happen now
and again. [P.S. --- this was not the case.]
The dream changed, too, to a liner; where Japanese stole my pipe in a series of adventures of an annoying
type --- every one acted as badly as he knew how, and as unexpectedly.
Waking just now, and instantly concentrating on Adonai, I found my body seized with a little quivering,
very curious and pleasant, like
trembling leaves in a continuous air.
I think I have heard this state of Interior Trembling described
in some mystic books. I think the Shakers and Quakers had
violent shudderings. Abdullah Haji of Shiraz writes: ---

Just as the body shudders when the Soul
Gives up to Allah in its quick career
Itself. ...


It is the tiniest, most intimate trembling, not unlike that of Kambhakham or "Vindu-siddhi" [see the Shiva
Sanhita. --- ED.] properly performed; but of a female quality. I feel as if I were being shaken; in {77} the
other cases I recognize my own ardour as the cause. It is very gentle and sweet.
So now I may turn back to wait for Him.

3.50. The Voice of the Nadi has changed to a music faint yet very full and very sweet, with a bell-like tone
more insistent than the other notes at intervals.

5.45. Again awake, and patient-eager. The dreams flow through me ceaselessly.
This time a house where I, like a new Bluebeard, have got to conceal my wives from each other. But my
foolish omission to knife them brings it about that I have thirty-nine secret chambers, and only one open
one in each case.
Oh, yards of it! And all sorts of people come in to supper --- which there isn't any, and we have to do all
sorts of shifts --- and all the wives think themselves neglected --- as they are bound to do, if one is insane
enough to have forty --- and I loathed them all so! it was terrible having to fly round and comfort and
explain; the difficulty increases (I should judge) as about the fifth power of the number of wives... I'm glad
I'm awake!
Yea, and how glad when I am indeed awake from this glamour life, awake to the love my Lord Adonai!
It is bitter chill at dawn. A consecrating cold it seems to me --- yet I will not confront it and rejoice in it ---
I am already content, having ceased to strive.

7.15. Again awake, deliciously rested and refreshed.

9.45. Again awake, ditto. {78}

11.35. I will now break my fast with a sandwich and coffee, eaten Yogin- wise.
I seem like one convalescent after a fever; very calm, very clean, rather weak, too weak, indeed, to be
actually happy: but content.
I spent the morning posing for Michael Brenner, a sculptor who will one day be heard of. Very young yet,
but I think the best man of his generation --- of those whose work I have seen. By the way, I am suffering
from a swollen finger, since yesterday morning or possibly earlier. I have given it little attention, but it is
painful.
I want to explain why I have so carefully recorded the somewhat banal details of all I have eaten and
drunk.

1. All food is a species of intoxicant; hence a fruitful source of error. Should I obtain any
good result, I might say "You were starved" or "You were drunk." It is very easy to get
visions of sorts by either process, and to delude oneself into the idea that one has attained,
mistaking the Qliphoth for Kether.
2. In keeping the vow "I will interpret every phenomenon as a particular dealing of God with
my soul" the mere animal actions are the most resistant. One cannot see the nature of the
phenomenon; it seems so unimportant; one is inclined to despise it. Hence I enter it in the
record as a corrective. {79}
3. If others are to read this, I should like them to see that elaborate codes of morality have
nothing to do with my system. No question of sin and grace ever enters it.

If a chemist wants to prepare copper sulphate from its oxide, he does not hesitate on the ground that
sulphuric acid, thrown in the eyes, hurts people. So I use the moral drug which will produce the desired
result, whether that drug be what people commonly call poison or no. In short, I act like a sensible man;
and I think I deserve every credit for introducing this completely new idea into religion.

12.25. That function of my brain which says "You ought to be willing Adonai" sometimes acts. But I am
willing Him! It is so active because all this week it has been working hard, and doesn't realise that its work
is done. Just as a retired grocer wakes up and thinks "I must go and open the shop."
In Hindu phrase, the thought-stuff, painfully forced all these days into one channel, has acquired the habit
["i.e.", of flowing naturally in it. --- ED.] I am Ekagrata --- one-pointed.
Just as if one arranges a siphon, one has to suck and suck for a while, and then when the balance in the
two arms of the tube is attained, the fluid goes on softly and silently of its own act. Gravitation which was
against us is now for us.
So now the whole destiny of the Universe is by me overcome; I am impelled, with ever-gathering and
irresistible force, toward Adonai. {80}
Vi Veri Vniversvm Vivvs Vici!

12.57. Back home to illuminate my beautiful Ritual.

3.30. Two pages done and set aside to dry. I think I will go for a little walk and enjoy the beautiful sun.
Also to the chemist's to have my finger attended to.

4.05. The chemist refused to do anything; and so I did it myself. It is the romantic malady of ingrowing
nail; a little abscess had formed. Devilish painful after the clean-up. Will go the walk aforesaid.

4.17. I ought to note how on this day there is a complete absence of all one's magical apparatus. The
mantra has slowed down to (at a guess) a quarter of its old pace. The rest in unison. This is because the
feeling of great power, etc. etc., is the mere evidence of conflict --- the thunder of the guns. Now all is at
peace; the power of the river, no more a torrent.
The Concourse of the Forces has become the Harmony of the Forces; the word Tetragrammation is
spoken and ended; the holy letter Shin is descended into it. For the roaring God of Sinai we have the
sleeping Babe of Bethlehem. A fulfilment, not a destroying, of the Law.

4.45. Am at home again. I will lie down in the Position of the Hanged Man, and await the coming of my
Lord.

6.00. Arisen again to go out to diner. I was half-asleep some of the time.

6.15. Dinner --- Hors d'OEuvre --- Tripes … la Mode de Caen --- Filet de Porc --- Glace --- 1/2
Graves. Oh, how the world {81} hath inflexible intellectual rulers! I eat it in a semi-Yogin manner.

6.20. I am wondering whether I have not made a mistake in allowing myself to sleep.
It would be just like me, if there were only one possible mistake to make, to make it! I was perfect, had I
only watched. But I let my faith run away with me. ... I wonder.

6.45. Dinner over, I go on as I am in calm faith and love. Why should I expect a catastrophic effect? Why
should not the circumstances of Union with God be compatible with the normal consciousness?
Interpenetrating and illuminating it, if you like; but not destroying it. Well, I don't know why it shouldn't be;
but I bet it isn't! All the spiritual experience I have had argues against such a theory.
On the contrary, it will leave the reason quite intact, supreme Lord of its own plane. Mixing up the planes
is the sad fate of many a mystic. How many do I know in my own experience who tell me that, obedient to
the Heavenly Vision, they will shoot no more rabbits! Thus they found a system on trifles, and their Lord
and God is some trumpery little elemental masquerading as the Almighty.
I remember my Uncle Tom telling me that he was sure God would be displeased to see me in a blue coat
on Sunday. And to-day he is surprised and grieved that I do not worship his god --- or even my own
tailor, as would be surely more reasonable! {82}

7.32. How is it that I expect the reward at once? Surely I am presuming on my magical power, which is an
active thing, and therefore my passivity is not perfect. Of course, when IT happens, it happens out of time
and space --- now or ten years hence it is all the same. All the same to IT; not all the same to me, O.M.
So O.M. (the dog!) persists irrationally in wanting IT, here and now. Surely, indeed, it is a lack of faith, a
pandering to the time-illusion ... and so forth. Yes, no doubt it is all magically wrong, even magically
absurd; yet, though I see the snare, I deliberately walk into it. I suppose I shall be punished somehow ...
Good! there's the excuse I wanted. Fear is failure: I must dare to do wrong. Good!

7.50. It has just occurred to me that this Waiting and Watching is the supreme Magical strain. Every slight
sound or other impression shocks one tremendously. It is easy enough to shut out sounds and such when
one is concentrating in active magic: I did all my early evocations in Chancery Lane. But now one is
deliberately opening all the avenues of sense to admit Adonai! One has destroyed one's own Magic
Circle. The whole of that great Building is thrown down. ... Therefore I am in a worse hole that I ever was
before --- and I've only just realized it. A footfall on the pavement is most acute agony --- because it is
not Adonai. My hearing, normally rather dull, is intensely sharpened; and I am thirty yards from the electric
trams of the Boulevard Montparnasse at the busiest hour of the evening. ... {83}
And the Visconti may turn up! ...
Eli, Eli, lama sabacthani!

8.45. I went out to the D“me to drink my final citron press‚ and to avoid the Visconti. Am returned, and in
bed. I shall try and sleep now, waking in time for midnight and the quiet hours.

8.53. I have endured the supreme temptation and assault of the Enemy.
In this wise. First, I found that I did not want sleep --- I couldn't stop "Waiting." Next, I said "Since last
night that Black Ritual (see entry 10.55) did at least serve to turn all my thoughts to the One Thought, I will
try it again ..."
Then I said: "No; to do so is not pure 'waiting.'"
And then --- as by a flash of lightning --- the Abyss of the Pit opened, and my whole position was turned.
I saw my life from the dawn of consciousness till now as a gigantic "pose"; my very love of truth assumed
for the benefit of my biographer! All these strange things suffered and enjoyed for no better purpose than
to seem a great man. One cannot express the horror of this thought; it is The thought that murders the soul
--- and there is no answer to it. So universal is it that it is impossible to prove the contrary. So one must
play the man, and master it and kill it utterly, burying it in that putrid hell from which it sprang. Luckily I
have dealt with it before. Once when I lived at Paddington J---s and F---r were with me taking, and,
when they went, thoughtfully left this devil-thought behind --- the agony is with me yet. {84} That, though,
was only a young mild devil, though of the same bad brood. It said: "Is there any Path or Attainment?
Have you been fooled all along?"
But to-night's thought struck at my own integrity, at the inmost truth of the soul and of Adonai.
As I said, there is no answer to it; and as these seven days have left me fairly master of the fortress, I
caught him young, and assigned him promptly to the oubliette.
I put down this --- not as a "pose" --- but because the business is so gigantic. It encourages me
immensely; for if my Dweller on the Threshold be that most formidable devil, how vast must be the Pylon
that shelters him, and how glorious must be the Temple just beyond! 9.30. It seems that there was one
more mistake to make; for I've made it!
I started to attempt to awaken the Kundalini --- the magical serpent that sleeps at the base of the spine;
coiled in three coils and a half around the Sushumna; and instead of pumping the Prana up and down the
Sushumna until Siva was united with Sakti in the Sahasrara-Cakkram, I tried --- God knows why; I'm
stupider than an ass or H ... C .... --- to work the whole operation in Muladhara --- with the obvious
result.
There are only two more idiocies to perform --- one, to take a big dose of Hashish and record the ravings
as if they were Samadhi; and two, to go to church. I may as well give up. {85} Yet here answers me the
everlasting Yea and Amen: Thou canst not give up, for I will bring thee through. Yet here I lie, stripped of
all magic force, doubting my own peace and faith, farther from Adonai than ever before --- and yet ---
and yet ---
Do I not know that every error is a necessary step in the Path? The longest way round is the shortest way
home. But it is disgusting! There's a grim humour in it, too. The real Devil of the Operation must be sitting
with sardonic grin upon his face, enjoying my perplexity ---
For that Dweller-of-the-Threshold-thought was not as dead as I supposed; as I write he comes again and
again, urging me to quit the Path, to abandon the unequal contest. Luckily, friend Dweller, you prove too
much! Your anxiety shows me that I am not as far from attainment as my own feelings would have me
think. At least, though, I am thrown into the active again; I shall rise and chant the Enochian Calls and
invoke the Bornless One, and clear a few of the devils away, and get an army of mighty angels around me
--- in short, make another kind of fool of myself, I wonder?
Anyway, I'll do it. Not a bad idea to ask Thoth to send me Taphtatharath with a little information as to the
route --- I do not know where I am at all. This is a strange country, and I am very lonely.
This shall be my ritual.

1. Banishing Pentagram Ritual.
2. Invoking ditto. [These will appear in No. 2, "Liber O." --- ED.] {86}
3. "The Bornless One." [See the "Goetia." --- ED.]
4. The Calls I --- VI with the rituals of the five Grades. [From Dr. Dee's and the G.'. D.'.
MSS. --- ED.]
5. Invocation of Thoth.
6. (No: I will "not" use the New Ritual, nor will I discuss the matter.) An impromptu
invocation of Adonai.
7. Closing formulae.

To work, then!

11.15. The ceremony went well enough; the forces invoked came readily and visibly; Thoth in particular as
friendly as ever --- I fancy He takes this record as a compliment to Him --- He's welcome to it, poor
God!
The L.V.X. came, too but not enough to pierce the awful shroud of darkness that by my folly I have
woven for myself.
So at the end I found myself on the floor, so like Rodin's Cruche Cass‚e Danaide Girl as never was ... As
I ought to have been in the beginning! Well, one thing I got (again!), that is, that when all is said and done,
I am that I am, and all these thoughts of mine, angels and devils both, are only fleeting moods of me. The
one true self of me is Adonai. Simple! Yet I cannot remain in that simplicity.
I got this "revelation" through the Egyptian plane, a partial illumination of the reason. It has cleared up the
mind; but alas! the mind is still there. This is the strength and weakness both of the Egyptian plane, {87}
that it is so lucid and spiritual and yet so practical. When I say weakness, I mean that it appeals to my
weakness; I am easily content with the smaller results, so that they seduce me from going on to the really
big ones. I am quite happy as a result of my little ceremony --- whereas I ought to be taking new and
terrible oaths! Yet why should Tahuti be so kind to me, and Asar Un-nefer so unkind? The answer comes
direct from Tahuti himself: Because you have learned to write per